3. THE BASIS OF HAPPY MARRIAGE

"I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad," so go the words of a popular old song. Whether the song writer knew it or not, he was absolutely correct. Every boy seeks in a girl those qualities he has known in his mother, and every girl chooses a man that reflects her father. "This human process explains why happy marriages repeat themselves from generation to generation and why also, in some families, there is a continuity of unhappy marriages."1 The basis of a happy marriage, and ruin of an un­happy marriage, is prepared and set in the souls of boys and girls during the period of adolescence by their parents.

Parents' Role

Dr. Karl Stern, noted psychiatrist, states the logic of the situa­tion in this manner: "Man needs preparation for marriage as he needs it for any other vocation or sacrament. The basic and essen­tial preparation consists of the entire development of the per­sonality beginning in earliest infancy. More formal preparation, of course, such as marriage courses, is good and necessary. But the person is basically formed in his attitudes and inclinations through his school years to early adulthood. His degree of maturity and prerequisites for marriage are determined by his parents."2

Because of this, parents must recognize their own personal responsibility in the matter of giving premarital education to their children. "Parents are the primary educators of their child and incur the basic responsibility for the total development of the child to maturity of person. This responsibility stems from their physical parenthood and is implicit in it. It is coextensive with the total preparation of the child for adult life. Preparation of the child for marriage is then but a special part of the general educa­tion parents are obliged to give their child in the effort to bring the child to the Christian perfection of person necessary for natural and supernatural living in later life."3

Parents are the primary educa­tors of their child and have the responsibility for his total de­velopment.

The Chesterland Corp.

True parental love aided by intelligence, tactfulness, patience, and a generous measure of common sense can do much to give a child a good start in life. The child is such a complicated little creature that he needs development in his emotional, mental, moral, religious, and physical life. Fortunate is the child with parents who are both able and willing to do their job, who set a good example for their child, and who provide a happy home life where the child has a feeling of security in knowing that he is loved by both father and mother. Under such favorable con­ditions an excellent foundation is laid for the child to build upon when he reaches the age of discretion.4

Many a young man lacks strong character and manliness be­cause of the lack of companionship with a good father, from whom he could learn how good men think, feel, and act. Many a young woman lacks essential womanly qualities because her mother has never displayed them. Children experiencing the loving and giving of parents learn to love and give of themselves even against the desires of their own selfish natures. Example speaks louder than words. That is why it is true to say: "Happy marriages come from happy marriages."

A true father helps his daughter know what to expect in a hus­band. Any lack of fatherhood on his part will leave a lasting im­pression upon her choice of a life mate. A true mother gives her son an ideal of womanhood and a formation in spiritual love that will both help him to respect all women and aid him in the selection of a wife. Attitudes of children are for the most part acquired from their parents. Only unselfish parents, therefore, can guarantee the right foundation of a happy marriage for their children.

Youth’s Role

When boys and girls are growing up, they go through various stages in their relationship, just as they do in their physical growth. Small children play together without much thought of whether one is a boy or another a girl. Their games are very much the same.

However, after children enter school, differences begin to ap­pear. Most of them come about because of what is customary for boys and girls. Clothes are different. Games begin to be played separately. Boys become "Cub Scouts" and girls join the "Brown­ies." There develops a period when there are boy-boy gangs and girl-girl groups. Each sex seems to find its recreation together and its interests in common. "To a boy a girl is a delicate, troublesome, mysterious package, made up of curls and dresses, and uninterested in doing the only things in life that matter, such as playing base­ball, basketball, fishing in the river and kicking a football. To a girl a boy is a boisterous noisy thing who gets his chief fun out of pulling a girl's hair, playing with bugs and going around with an unwashed face on hikes."s

Alan Beck has immortalized this age with his writings which follow:

WHAT IS A BOY?

Small children play together without much thought as to whether one is a boy or a girl. After children enter school, how­ever there is a period when there are boy-boy gangs and girl-girl groups.

A. Devaney, Inc., N. Y.

Between the innocence of babyhood and the dignity of manhood we find a delightful creature called a boy. Boys come in assorted sizes, but all boys have the same creed: to enjoy every second of every minute of every hour of every day and to protest with noise (their only weapon) when their last minute is finished and the adult males pack them off to bed at night.

Boys are found everywhere — on top of, beneath, inside of, climbing on, swinging from, running around, or jumping to. Mothers love them, little girls hate them, older sisters and brothers tolerate them, adults ignore them, and heaven protects them. A boy is Truth with dirt on its face, Beauty with a cut on its finger, Wisdom with bubble gum in its hair, and the Hope of the future with a frog in its pocket.

When you are busy, a boy is an inconsiderate, bothersome, intruding jangle of noise. When you want him to make a good impression, his brain turns to jelly or else he becomes a savage, sadistic, jungle creature bent on destroying the world and himself with it.

A boy is a composite — he has the appetite of a horse, the digestion of a sword swallower, the energy of a pocket size atomic bomb, the curiosity of a cat, the lungs of a dictator, the imagination of a Paul Bunyan, the shyness of a violet, the audacity of a steel trap, the enthusi­asm of a firecracker, and when he makes something, he has five thumbs on each hand.

He likes ice cream, knives, saws, Christmas, comic books, the boy across the street, woods, water (in its natural habitat), large animals, Dad, trains, Saturday mornings, and fire engines. He is not much for Sunday school, company, schools, books without pictures, music lessons, neck­ties, barbers, girls, overcoats, adults, or bed time.

Nobody else is so early to rise, or so late to supper. Nobody else gets so much fun out of trees, dogs, and breezes. Nobody else can cram into one pocket a rusty knife, a half-eaten apple, 3 feet of string, an empty Bud Durham sack, two gumdrops, six cents, a slingshot, a chunk of unknown substance, and a genuine supersonic code ring with a secret compartment.

A boy is a magical creature — you can lock him out of your work­shop, but you can't lock him out of your heart. You can get him out of your study, but you can't get him out of your mind. Might as well give up — he is your captor, your jailer, your boss, and your master — a freckle faced, pint size, cat-chasing bundle of noise. But when you come home at night with only the shattered pieces of your hopes and dreams, he can mend them like new with the two magic words — "Hi, Dad!"6

WHAT IS A GIRL?

Little girls are the nicest things that happen to people. They are born with a little bit of angel shine about them and tho it wears thin some­times, there is always enough left to lasso your heart — even when they are sitting in the mud, or crying temperamental tears, or parading up the street in mother's best clothes.

A little girl can be sweeter (and badder) oftener than anyone else in the world. She can jitter around, and stomp, and make funny noises that frazzle your nerves; yet just when you open your mouth, she stands there demure with that special look in her eyes. A girl is Innocence playing in the mud, Beauty standing on its head, and Motherhood dragging a doll by the foot.

At this age, girls are no more interested in playing with boys than boys are interested in playing with them.

Girl Scouts of the Milwaukee Arec, Inc.

Girls are available in black, white, red, yellow, or brown, yet Mother Nature always manages to select your favorite color when you place your order. They disprove the law of supply and demand — there are millions of little girls, but each is as precious as rubies.

God borrows from many creatures to make a little girl. He uses the song of a bird, the squeal of a pig, the stubbornness of a mule, the antics of a monkey, the spryness of a grasshopper, the curiosity of a cat, the speed of a gazelle, the slyness of a fox, the softness of a kitten, and to top it all off, He adds the mysterious mind of a woman.

A little girl likes new shoes, party dresses, small animals, first grade, noise makers, the girl next door, dolls, make-believe, cans of water, going visiting, tea parties, and one boy. She doesn't care so much for visitors, boys in general, large dogs, hand-me-downs, straight chairs, vegetables, snow suits, or staying in the front yard. She is loudest when you are thinking, the prettiest when she has provoked you, the busiest at bed time, the quietest when you want to show her off, and the most flirtatious when she absolutely must not get the best of you again.

Who else can cause you more grief, joy, irritation, satisfaction, em­barrassment, and genuine delight than this combination of Eve, Salome, and Florence Nightingale? She can muss up your home, your hair, and your dignity — spend your money, your time, and your temper — then just when your patience is ready to crack, her sunshine peeks thru and you've lost again.

Yes, she is a nerve-racking nuisance, just a noisy bundle of mischief. But when your dreams tumble down and the world is a mess — when it seems you arc pretty much of a fool after all — she can make you a king when she climbs on your knee and whispers, "I love you best of all!"7

The Big Switch

During the early teen years, the big switch occurs. Girls become interested in boys. Boys begin to see girls in a new light. Boy-boy gangs and girl-girl groups take on a coed appearance. More and more activities are now involved with members of the opposite sex. A boy finds it pleasant to associate with girls of his own age with­out fear of being called "sissy." A girl finds it pleasant to associate with boys of her own age without fear of being tagged "tomboy." Mixed groups become great fun. They afford a chance for both sexes to begin to round out their personalities.

Dating Begins

The next stage in social development is the date. Dating isn't just running around with the crowd. There's something personal about it. It means a particular boy has asked a particular girl to go to a movie or dance or some place with him. It isn't the crowd any more.

The big switch occurs during the early teens. More and more ac­tivities of boys and girls are involved with members of the opposite sex.

In the United States, dating has become a highly social inter­relationship. Emphasis is placed on fun, but it is well to understand that dating is more meaningful than just having a good time. Dating or the association of boy and girl is a long-term prepara­tion for marriage. It can be divided into two types: social and serious.

Social Dating

Social dating, sometimes called casual or circulating dating, is very common among high school and college young people who delay serious consideration of marriage for the sake of an educa­tion. It may begin as early as junior high school days and some­times lasts until the individual is ready to marry.8 Usually, however, this type of dating begins about the first or second year of high school and continues throughout the college course. This type of dating is the result of the natural instinct in boys and girls for companionship. Each party desires the company of a pleasant, congenial, sympathetic, interesting person for a brief period of entertainment and recreation. "One week the young man may date a girl because of her dancing ability; the second week an­other girl, because with her he can enjoy an interesting game of tennis. The young girl will accept dates with several young men because she and they have common social and recreational in­terests and also because she enjoys the companionship of virile and generous friends."9 Casual dating is not intended to have any special reference to marriage.

Serious Dating

The period of casual dating gradually gives way to more serious dating. Choice of companions and dating partners now becomes more careful and is made with an eye to the selection of a marriage partner. "This is, then, 'the looking around1 kind of dating. Since dates during this time have implications of courtship and of steady company keeping, the young man will date only a girl whom he would like to marry and whom he would be happy to have as the mother of his children. The young lady will accept dates with young men likely to prove themselves excellent husbands and fathers."10 Noting these distinctions, it can be said that for the majority of boys and girls in high school, social dating is the ordinary pattern with an increase of more serious dating the nearer students ap­proach graduation.

The Importance of Dating

Dating is a healthy educational experience. Much can be learned from this activity in preparing boys and girls for adulthood and the intelligent selection of a marriage partner. During a dating situation a young man and girl can learn to get along with people, and through their association with different types of personalities they will be able to make a more intelligent selection in the nar-rowing-down process. "They will be able to notice that some have a nice disposition and are congenial, some are loud and extroverted, others are more retiring and introverted, some are selfish and egotistical while some others are most considerate and more al­truistic. The dating relationship, therefore, has definite meaning in addition to wholesome fun and recreation."n It helps develop one's personality. But personality development is nothing if un­accompanied by spiritual growth. "And prominent authorities tell us that dating does help the boy and girl mature spiritually. Urban Fleege, a noted Catholic psychologist, remarks: 'A moderate as­sociation between the sexes during the adolescent period is bene­ficial to the boy's spiritual life.' Father Gerald Kelly, S.J., writing in his booklet Modern Youth and Chastity, supports this position: 'Ordinarily speaking a wholesome social life between the sexes should be helpful rather than harmful to chastity, as it prevents the unnecessary repression of sex attraction and should develop in each sex a fine respect for the other.""- Dating's ultimate purpose, of course, is eventually to find a suitable partner for marriage.

Dating is a healthy educational experience which helps to pre­pare boys and girls for adult­hood and the intelligent selec­tion of a marriage partner.

Philip Gendreau, N. Y.

Thus, dating provides the teen-age boy or girl an invaluable, threefold opportunity: to develop his personality, to gain the ade­quate background experience essential for an intelligent marriage choice, and to foster his spiritual growth.

Going Steady

Like any other human activity, dating is not without its prob­lems. Anyone who reads today's newspapers and magazines can verify this. It is seldom that one does not find a column or article directed at teens regarding dates and dating.

One dating habit that has assumed the proportions of a major problem within the past fifteen years, is the practice of "going steady" among teen-agers, "What was once a trend, and then a pattern, has more recently developed into one of the most dan­gerous crises ever to confront our youth."1S Few have had the courage to rise above it.

So that there will be no misunderstanding as to what this prob­lem is, it is important that we define what we mean by going steady in the sense of a dangerous teen-age problem. All au­thorities agree that going steady consists of three elements. It must be a

1. Frequent association — a teen-age boy and girl may see each other two or three times a week;
   
   
2. Exclusive — There is an understanding between the two that she is his "girl friend" and he is her "boy friend," even though they may
   "occasionally" date someone else;
   
   
3. Association motivated by some measure of affection — frequent kissing, etc.
   

What has brought about this vogue of going steady among to­day's teens? The reasons are almost as many as the boys and girls engaged in the practice.

The biggest argument in favor of going steady is that it assures the boy and girl of a date for every social function, and greatly reduces the worries and heartaches over not having a date that plague so many teen-agers. "Nearly everybody is doing it, so un­less you get yourself a steady girl, you are out of luck when it comes to dates and dances." "A steady takes away all the uncertainty about dates. In this way I am always sure of my date for dances or parties or for an evening at the movies." "You belong to someone who belongs to you." "It gives you a feeling of security when you have a steady girl." "You have a very close friend with whom you can relax, and share ideas and activities." "It's the cus­tom in our community." "It's cheaper than dating someone dif­ferent every week end." "My girl is a good Catholic girl and she's a help to me religiously. I don't want to take chances with a person whose moral standards are not clearly known."

These and similar reasons pour in from those going steady. At first glance they may appear quite valid and noble. A closer in­spection, however, finds that they are all based on the assumption that exclusive dating is a "must." This, of course, is not true. Wide experience in dating is still considered favorable to intelligent mate selection. Young people who have dated several different fellows or girls are less likely to rush into marriage. But let's take a closer look.

Social dating for teen-agers implies that a teen-age boy, for instance, dates a number of girls during the course of a year, the more diversity the better. This serves the very desirable purpose of enabling a young man to become acquainted with many girls of different types and dis­positions. He can get to know girls better, can understand them better, and can make comparisons between their good and bad points.

As a young man grows older he begins to think of the possibility of marriage. He is then inclined to be more serious about his dating of girls because he is definitely looking for the girl that he would like to choose for a life partner. When he finds, or thinks he has found, this girl, he becomes more exclusive in his dating and starts going steady. This is the beginning of the courtship period which is intended to lead to engagement and then to marriage.

Now when a teen-ager jumps these two steps and begins to keep exclusive company with one girl, it is like jumping from grade school into college and completely bypassing high school. No one would seriously consider doing this because the chance of succeeding in college would be very unlikely without the necessary preparation of high school.14

Because of the psychological differences in the make-up of the two sexes it is not an easy thing to understand the opposite sex. It takes a good bit of acquaintanceship and study to achieve suffi­cient understanding for a successful working relationship. This cannot come about by dating exclusively too soon just one indi­vidual. Variety is the spice of life for the young. Going steady should be postponed until such a time when marriage can be reasonably assured.

This is not the Church's teaching alone. Marriage counselors, educators, judges, psychiatrists, and parents all testify to the disadvantages of going steady. Recently even the United States Navy expressed itself on the subject:

Officers and faculty members at the United States Naval Academy look at this phenomenon (going steady) with grave misgivings. After all, a midshipman's contacts during the week are with his shipmates, his professors and various officers — all male. Then, when the weekend arrives, he supposedly has the opportunity to broaden his social develop­ment with delightful feminine contacts. But what has been happening under the going-steady rule that modern youth has imposed on itself? He takes his date to the dance and spends the entire evening constantly at her side. His outlook and experience are enhanced by the thoughts, opinions and personality of just one female. What should be a lighthearted change of pace from the midshipman's demanding routine and an opportunity to learn some social graces, all too often becomes a serious, headlong, almost frantic search for a lifetime mate! The disinclination of today's young men to play the field means that many of them are electing their future wives before they have developed much judgment in such matters — before they have had a chance to appraise a representative cross-section of the marital market. This, we think, is not the ideal way to choose Navy wives.15

The Moral Problem

Besides losing the social advantages and contacts that have a great influence upon a person in later life, going steady frequently exposes one to serious moral dangers. Of course, when a couple first starts going steady, sin is usually the farthest thing from their thoughts, and so they are naturally very resentful of anyone's sug­gesting that they may be placing themselves in an occasion of sin. But with the darkness of the intellect and the weakness of the will (the result of original sin) moral problems are going to arise sooner or later.

It's natural for boys and girls to want to be together . . . but to be together exclusively long before there is any prospect of marriage is quite another thing. The natural tendency for a couple going steady is to show affection to one another. At first this show of affection will probably be very innocent and well meant. After a short period of going with the same girl, the boy often finds that simple signs of affec­tion, like holding her hand or a decent kiss, become rather tame, so that he has to go a little further to re-experience the thrill of that first kiss. And while she still may desire only affection, he may well desire something more. Once this takes place one of two things happens: either they will give in to the temptation they feel or they will fight the temptation. If they give in, they commit a mortal sin; if they don't, they often become so irritable just from the struggle that one or the other or both oftentimes give in sooner or later (if they continue to go steady) just to soothe the other's irritated feelings.

Now when it comes to temptations, it is not enough alone to pray. A boy and a girl cannot place themselves in a deliberate occasion of sin and then turn to God and complain about how badly they are tempted. God expects them to know enough to realize that they have no right to complain about temptations if they did everything to bring them on themselves. Steps have to be taken to remove themselves from the proximate occasion of sin. This means, of course, breaking up . . . circulating instead of steady dating. Of course, there are a lot of teen-agers who are too far "gone" to admit this fact. When counselors point out the fact that this going steady could be an occasion of sin, many of these young people become very resentful. They try to forget two things: that they might actually be in an occasion of sin and, second, that it is a further sin to place themselves deliberately in circumstances where they almost invariably sin. Boys and girls going steady close their minds to such reasoning. Stubborn stupidity is their weapon against God's command.

To show to what degree these teen-agers are both stubborn and stupid . . . soon they begin asking the question (the unbelievably stupid and revealing question): "How far can we go without sinning?" If they continue to date exclusively, standards fall and like Lucifer they commit the sin of pride; their idea that they are going to be the ex­ceptions to falling is soon smothered beneath the barrage of lust. They soon come to realize that they can no longer say, "We never sinned together."

Once this happens, consciences often awaken, thanks to God's grace . . . and when they look back at how they got into the sinful situation, they realize a lot of things: that they were leading up to sin for a long time, that there were sins of thought and desire scattered all along the way, that many of the times they sinned alone it was because of their going steady. Discouragement or a mild form of despair enters the soul. . . . This, of course, can only be removed by going to confession and prom­ising to avoid that occasion of sin in the future . . . which means, breaking up.18

The Only Solution

The only reason justifying going steady is marriage within the very near future. "Some teenagers think that this rule applies only to their set; the truth is of another color. Even with persons of marriageable age steady and exclusive company-keeping between a man and a woman cannot be justified on moral grounds unless they have serious intentions of marriage. This means in effect that even though a man be 30, 40 or 50 years old he has no right to go steady with any woman unless there is both the freedom of and the possibility for marriage in the foreseeable future (within 2 years)."17 With so many going steady, however, the above words may sound puritanical if not prudish, but they are far from that. They are well thought out and prudent. For remember, dating is a prelude to courtship and steady dating is a form of courtship in­tended only for those who will definitely marry in the near future. In general the high school boy or girl is not ready for immediate marriage. Authorities say that only one out of every seven couples who go steady eventually wed one another. Therefore, going steady is morally wrong for the vast majority. There are many high school students who realize this. Among them are the boys and girls at McNicholas High School in Cincinnati who have formed a new club called the "Polywogs." According to Co-Ed, the school paper, the purpose of this club is to accommodate fel­lows and girls who aren't going steady, but who want to have fun anyway.

Their club is appropriately named. Poly is a Greek word for "many." Then we have

W —We

O — Oppose

G — Going

S — Steady

Add it up and you get POLYWOGS. (For further information write to McNicholas High School, 6532 Beechmont Avenue, Cin­cinnati, Ohio.)

An Unwed Mother Tells Her Story

Most likely there will be some high school students who will scoff at the above words of wisdom. Should you be one of them let me conclude this instruction on going steady by inviting you to visit a home for unwed mothers in your area. There you will see the tragic results of going steady before one is ready for marriage.

To illustrate what you would discover and learn in such an institution read the words of a particular unwed mother who ar­rived at St. Joseph's Hospital, Scranton, Pennsylvania, some years ago to have a baby out of wedlock. Her words are printed here in hopes that teen-agers now keeping steady company will realize that weakness, sin, and tragedy play no favorites.

I still can't believe it. 1 can't believe that a few short days ago 1 became a mother, an unwed mother. L can't get used to the idea that I had an illegitimate baby.

It's like a dream. A bad dream. I have no one to blame but myself. . . .

I can't blame the nuns who taught me or the priests who gave our high school retreats. They did speak to us about the dangers of steady company keeping, about dating, petting, parking and things like that.

But frankly it never rang a bell. In fact, we thought it was a great joke and referred to the nuns as "Holy Hags" and the priests as the "Holy Joes with the loose habits." We accused them of having evil minds, of being suspicious, out of date, behind the times. We even said they were bitter and frustrated.

I was especially critical because the priest in charge of our high school took me aside one day and lectured me on the dangers of keeping steady company in high school.

1 was furious. It was none of his business if I walked to school with my boy friend, if 1 was with him between classes, walked home with him after school and dated him three times a week.

The more Father talked, the more I clammed up, and the more I determined that no matter what Father said, there was nothing danger­ous about company keeping. Bob and I loved each other and that was enough. Even my mother agreed that it was enough.

Well, it wasn't. And not long after Father's talk, things started to get out of hand. I don't know how it is with other couples, but we slipped into sin gradually, with our falls becoming more frequent and more shameful as time went on. We were both sorry, we both went to confession and promised, never again.

But our promises didn't last. How could they? We were seeing each other constantly, indulging in long embraces, permitting more and more serious liberties.

A lot had already happened to me, but 1 simply couldn't see it. I couldn't see that now no one, not my parents, my confessor, or my teachers could tell me a thing. I knew more than them all — more than the priests, more than the Church, more than God Himself.

I was really on the skids, but I was too blind, or too dumb, or too proud to admit it.

Things went on like that for months until one night, boom, it hap­pened. Just like that. For once I let myself go too far, and nothing, neither thoughts of my parents, my education, my background or my religion, was enough to stop me.

All of these things crossed my mind during that first experience and those that followed. One thing never occurred to me: That 1 might be­come pregnant. It didn't happen the first time, so why worry! Anyway, I thought, it can't happen to me.

I kept repeating this to myself even when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it had happened. I invented a dozen explanations. I was sick, upset. I had a cold. I was run down. I was everything, but I was not pregnant.

One month passed, a second and then a third. Now there was no mistake. I was pregnant. I was going to have a baby. It had happened to me.

I wonder if there's any use trying to describe how a girl feels when she finally faces this fact. Actually, only those who have known the shock — the panic — the shame — the fear and the hell of such a discovery can even remotely understand what it's like.

You can't eat. You can't sleep — you can't even think straight. Your world has collapsed. You are trapped, ruined, disgraced.

I wanted so much to tell Mother and Dad but I couldn't. I hated the idea of hurting them after all they had done for me. And I was ashamed to face them -— ashamed of letting them down.

One by one I thought of possible solutions. I thought of suicide and abortion. I thought of running away — but desperate as I was I knew these would settle nothing.

I finally decided on marriage. This was an easy out. No one would be surprised and with the marriage announcement predated, no one would be the wiser.

So off I went to tell Bob. I was so sure of what he'd say that I almost told my parents before I went out that we were already married.

It's a good thing I didn't because Bob flatly refused to marry me. Sure he loved me -— but he had his career to think of. Another thing, he couldn't disappoint his parents.

Oh, he'd help with the expenses. He'd foot the bills if I went away and had the baby, but as for marriage, it was no dice.

I couldn't believe it. This was the boy I loved. The one who loved me; the boy for whom I had endangered my reputation, my future, my eternal salvation.

I thought he was joking when he drove up to the house, opened the car door and said, "I'm awfully sorry, Kit." I knew the joke was on me.

Now the real hell set in. And it was a hell that lasted for five long endless months. A hell that was made all the more unbearable because no one knew the terrible secret I was carrying around. Not even my parents.

How did I conceal it so long? By wearing a girdle all the time, by pulling myself in constantly and by living in dungarees and a large, loose shirt.

People did remark that I was putting on weight — but since no one suspected that a girl like me would be pregnant, nothing was said.

Finally, mother took me by surprise. She came into my room one night unexpectedly and knew immediately that something was wrong.

In an instant I was in her arms and before I knew it, both of us were crying. I, tears of relief. She tears of unbelief and bewilderment.

Later that night my father came in. He, too, was kind, sympathetic, and forgiving. But his eyes were red from crying, and I could feel him tremble as he held me close. . . .

If I only listened to my parents, my teachers, and my priests. If I only watched the beginning of things. If I only believed that it could happen to me.

What's the use! It did happen. And you know something more amaz­ing? IT CAN HAPPEN EVEN TO YOU.18

Sensible Dating

The only sensible dating pattern for high school youth who have no intentions of immediate marriage is social dating. Going steady involves very serious responsibilities which should not be under­taken lightly or hastily. It should be preceded by wide and friendly mingling with others. Marriage, remember, means not just going out together and having fun and loving one another. It means a secure and paying job for the boy, and it means work in the home for the girl — doing housework, caring for the children, and being a helpful citizen in the community. It takes grown-up people to do these things, people who are happy and grown-up enough to keep God's laws in marriage.

The development of healthful, creative, and challenging inter­ests and skills is important for sensible dating and a successful marriage.

H. Armstrong Roberts

Those who have studied successful marriages know that a mar­riage can be no better than the two personalities that enter into it. People who have undesirable traits before marriage will not sud­denly lose these traits. Marriage does not change basic personality structure. That is why it is all important during your dating days to pay careful consideration to the qualities of your dating partner. According to 12,500 high school students polled on this question there are four chief qualities the perfect dating partner should possess. They are: (1) dependability, (2) maturity, (3) cleanliness in thought and action, and (4) considerateness. According to this same survey, the girls listed some undesirable traits in boys, while boys did not hesitate to list the undesirable traits in girls. They are listed below only to serve as a checklist for yourself. Remember you are in marriage what you are before.

Undesirable Traits in Boys Undesirable Traits in Girls

(According to girls) (According to boys)

1. Vulgarity in speech and actions          1. Over dependent
   
   
2. Withholding compliments                   2. Too serious
   
   
3. Disrespectful                                      3. Flighty
   
   
4. Demanding of necking and petting       4. Complaining
   
   
5. Being over talkative about themselves  5. Money-minded
   
   
6. Dishonest flattery                                6. Sensitive
   

Sound Rules for Teen-Age Dating

Like any other human activity, dating has its rules. The basic rule is prudence. This virtue will determine details of activities and conduct, but it cannot be effective without an honest good in­tention to do what is right on the part of both parties. Thus for successful dating the following rules should be observed.

1. Dating can be fun without resorting to sex and cheap conduct. Plan your dates. Have something to do: movies, dances, parties, games, concerts, TV.
   
   
2. Group dating is sometimes wise; "there is safety in numbers" but only if the couples are all highly principled.
   
   
3. Drinking and dating don't mix well. Liquor has a double-edged effect -— it excites the emotions and passions at the same time that it
   weakens the will.
   
   
4. A safe pathway to success is to blend harmoniously "living modern" with old-fashioned virtues and traits. The Ten Commandments do not change for lovers.
   
   
5. Know your date! Don't go out on "blind dates" unless another couple is along — and then be cautious.
   
   
6. Stay out of "Lovers' Lanes." Don't place yourself in an occasion of sin. (An automobile is a vehicle for locomotion, not parking.)
   
   
7. Don't ask for trouble — girls should dress sensibly; boys should drive with both hands on the wheel.
   
   
8. At the first moment, turn away from unclean thinking. The struggle for purity is won or lost in thought.
   
   
9. There is a tendency because of late dating hours and preoccupation with the pleasures of dating to lessen religious living. The great dangers of dating demand more grace, not less. Wise boys and girls participate at Mass and receive Communion more regularly than previously.
   
   
10. At the close of every date, both are honestly able to say to God: "Thank You, I've had a wonderful time,"
    

Prayer Before a Date

O Mary, Mother of us all, you have taught us the meaning of true friendship by your constant concern for helping and pleasing others, primarily your own divine Son. Your life is a perfect example of genuine interest, generosity, courtesy, warmth, and unselfishness.

Mary, help us to make this date strengthen true friendship in our hearts. Only then will it be worthy to be offered to your Son as a pledge of our respect for Him and for each other. Help us to be an occasion of grace to each other and to all who share these hours with us. Protect us body and soul. Make us aware of the presence of God in one another.

Keep us chaste, O Virgin most pure.

Make us wise, O Virgin most prudent.

Brighten our date with laughter, O Cause of our Joy.

We will then be richer in mind and heart for having shared each other's company. We will be strengthened in true friendship for you, for your Son, and for each other, through Christ our Lord. Amen.11'

SUGGESTIONS FOR READING

Blame No One but Yourself, Charles H. Doyle (Tarrytown-on-Hudson, N. Y.: Nugent Press, 1955).

Child Behavior, Frances L. Ilg, M.D., and Louise Bates Ames, Ph.D. (New York: Dell Publishing Co., Inc., 1958). "The Going Steady Crisis," Roma R. Turkel,

Information, Vol. 71, March, 1957, pp. 12-19.

*"JuveniIe Courtships," Francis J. Connell, C.SS.R.,

The American Ecclesi­astical Review, March, 1955, pp. 181-191. "Looking Forward to Marriage," Ed Willock, Today, Vol. 13, November, 1957, pp. 10-12.

So You Want to Get Married, Dorothy Fremont Grant (Milwaukee: The Bruce Publishing Co., 1947).

*Teen-Age Dating, Lawrence G. Lovasik, S.V.D. (Techny, III.: Divine Word Publications, 1958).

Teen-Agers and Dating, Donald F. Miller, C.SS.R. (Liguori, Mo.: The Liguorian Press, 1956), 23 pp.

Tips for Teens, Alvena Burnite (Milwaukee: The Bruce Publishing Co., 1955).

Training the Adolescent, R. C. McCarthy, S.J. (Milwaukee: The Bruce Publishing Co., 1934).

When They Start Going Steady, Father Conroy (St. Paul: Catholic Guild Education Society, 1954).

Your Adolescent, Lawrence K. Frank and Mary Frank (New York: New American Library, 1956).

*Your Dating Days, Paul H. I.andis (New York: Whittlesey House, 1954).

You Should Be Going Steady, Joseph T. McGloin, S.J. (St. Louis: The Queen's Work, 1957).

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