4. APPROACHING THE SACRAMENT

Without a doubt, the saddest refrain in all the world is the one so often spoken by the unhappily married: "Oh, if I had only known what kind of a person I was marrying, I would never have gotten married!" After one is married, however, it's too late to do anything about this factor. It's do or die. That is why courtship is such an important period. It is during this time that a young man and a young woman determine what they consider most suitable for an ideal life mate.

Courtship important

Pope Pius XI stressed the importance of the careful selecting of a life mate during courtship: "To the proximate preparation of a good married life belongs very specially the care of choosing a partner; on that depends a great deal whether the forthcoming marriage will be happy or not, since one may be to the other either a great help in leading a Christian life, or a great danger and hindrance."

Courtship, therefore, represents a very important step leading to marriage.

It is more advanced and serious than dating and implies that both parties are now thinking about marriage and its responsibilities, its societal expectations and its objectives. Serious courtship for most young men and women begins after graduation from high school. If they are contemplating college, courtship is delayed for a few years, although approximately 25% of the college and university population is now married.

Courtship affords a testing period to see if a couple is ready for marriage. True love wants to prove itself.

H. Armstrong Roberts

As two people make the transition from dating to courtship, they become more and more involved with each other and less and less involved and concerned with outsiders. To a certain degree they live in a world all their own and the whole basis of this unique experience is to please one another, each seeking to satisfy the emotional needs of the other. They prefer one another's company to that of anyone else. The feeling of belonging and knowing that she is loved brings great happiness to the young lady. To be considered worthy of love adds to the young man's self-esteem. This experience gives rise to intense feelings of happiness.1

That is why courtship is such a serious period in one's approach to the sacrament of matrimony. Hasty decisions during this time lead eventually to divorce courts. Infatuation and exaggerated ro­manticism may make one momentarily happy, but they certainly will not make an enduring marriage. Courtship affords a testing period to determine whether or not the couple is really ready for marriage, whether they really love one another. It constitutes a discussion period to test each other's disposition and personality.

It is during this period that a couple should be able to determine whether or not it is wise for them to marry.

Consequently, a young man should have definite ideas as to the qualifications he expects in the girl he hopes to marry, and at the same time he must have an understanding of the qualifications he him­self can offer. A popular writer on marriage has expressed this thought in a very positive way. "The young man who starts out on his matri­monial adventure by looking around for a girl good enough to be his bride is making a false start. The first thing for him to do is to make certain that he is good enough to be a fine girl's husband."2

Narrowing Down the Choice

There is no foolproof way in which one can assure himself of the right mate for marriage. However, a number of studies have been made which could easily serve as guides in a more careful and less haphazard way of selecting a husband or wife. The first of these guides or norms is personality.

Personality

Marriage is never better or worse than the two personalities that go into it. The kind of personality one brings into marriage, there­fore, is of utmost importance. It determines or conditions to a great degree one's success or failure in marriage.

Personality is one's inner self. It is you. It is you with all your powers, abilities, habits, and virtues. Very evidently, husband and wife can be happy together if each has a pleasing personality. Thus it is important to know the answers to the questions: What kind of person am I? And when you can answer that, you are ready to ask: What kind of person must I have in order to meet my emotional and other needs? How well one has learned to acquire and practice the seven great virtues of: (1) Faith, (2) Hope, (3) Charity, (4) Prudence, (5) Justice, (6) Fortitude, (7) Temper­ance; as well as the seven little natural moral virtues of (1) tact, (2) order, (3) courtesy, (4) punctuality, (5) sincerity, (6) loy­alty, (7) caution in speech, will determine the quality of one's per­sonality and its strengths, and will assure you of a happy and suc­cessful marriage.

According to the late Lewis T. Terman, a noted psychologist, the personality traits to look for in a woman are the following:

1. Kindly attitudes toward others.
   
   
2. Expects kindly attitudes from others.
   
   
3. Does not easily take offense.
   
   
4. Is not unduly concerned about the impressions she makes upon others.
   
   
5. Does not look upon social relations as rivalry situations.
   
   
6. Is cooperative.
   
   
7. Does not object to subordinate roles.
   
   
8. Is not annoyed by advice from others.
   
   
9. Enjoys activities that bring educational and pleasurable opportuni­ties to others.
   
   
10. Likes to do things for the dependent and underprivileged.
    
    
11. Is methodical and painstaking in her work.
    
    
12. Is careful in regard to money.
    
    
13. Is conservative and conventional in religion, morals, and politics.
    
    
14. Has an optimistic outlook on life.
    

The personality traits to look for in a man are the following:

1. Emotionally, he is even and stable.
   
   
2. He is cooperative.
   
   
3. Has benevolent attitude toward inferiors and the underprivileged.
   
   
4. Respects womanhood.
   
   
5. Tends not to be self-conscious and somewhat extroverted.
   
   
6. Shows superior initiative.
   
   
7. Shows great willingness to give close attention to details.
   
   
8. Is willing to assume responsibility.
   
   
9. He likes to do things methodically and he likes methodical people.
   
   
10. Is saving and cautious in money matters.
    
    
11. Holds conservative attitudes.
    
    
12. Has a favorable attitude toward religion.
    
    
13. Strongly upholds the sex code and other social conventions.3
    

In other words, the first thing that you look for in a mate is to find out if he or she is well adjusted, emotionally mature, a pos­sessor and user of common sense. Pure, ordinary, unadulterated common sense is an essential ingredient in marriage.

For example, common sense would indicate that women who nag, are not affectionate, are selfish, inconsiderate, complaining, interfering, slovenly and quick-tempered are great risks in marriage. And men who are selfish, inconsiderate, unsuccessful at their jobs, untruthful, complaining, not affectionate and harsh are poor risks in marriage.4

Desire for Children

Since marriage is primarily meant for the rearing and education of children, the desire to have children is definitely related to marital happiness. Both parties should have a strong desire to be co-creators with God. The exact number of children need not be arrived at before marriage; but having children, if it is God's will, must be desired by both parties. Couples who want children are more successful in their marriage than couples who do not want children.

Home Life

A close study of a girl's home life will help a young man arrive at an exact picture of his partner. As stated in the last chapter, good marriages come from good homes. That is why it is all im­portant for a young man to meet his partner's parents far enough in advance of marriage to determine whether or not she is a "house devil" or a real "home-loving girl." The more desirable qualities a family has, the greater the chance that marriage with a member of that family will be successful. In looking at the family back­ground of a prospective life mate, the following ten circumstances should be considered:

1. Superior happiness of parents,
   
   
2. Childhood happiness,
   
   
3. Lack of conflict with mother,
   
   
4. Firm but not harsh home discipline,
   
   
5. Strong attachment to mother,
   
   
6. Strong attachment to father,
   
   
7. Lack of conflict with father,
   
   
8. Parental frankness about sex,
   
   
9. Infrequency and mildness of childhood punishment,
   
   
10. An attitude free from disgust or aversion toward sex.
    

Occupation and Finances

Believe it or not, occupations have something to do with sta­bility of marriage. A young man considering marriage should be settled in his work and have some money saved. Precisely how much depends on the economic standard which he and his girl set for themselves. This, of course, will be based on the kind of lives they are in the habit of living. The prospective husband should have a steady source of income — one which can support a wife and a family.

Health

In your picture of the ideal mate, there should certainly be an ele­ment of normally robust health. Marriage and family life can take a great toll of one's physical resources. Bearing a child, though it is a normal physiological fact and by no means a sickness, is nevertheless not something to be undertaken lightly. Good physical condition is necessary to support a family, to keep a home in good order, to bear the strain and worry of sleepless nights with sick children, to get up at two in the morning for a feeding or to give a child a "drink of water" is not easy for even the most robust. It becomes almost im­possible for those who are in poor health. Common sense, then, de­mands that you choose as your partner in marriage someone reasonably healthy, and that you give yourself to that partner with the health necessary for the performance of your functions as husband or wife, father or mother.5

Education

Education is essential in making a success of marriage. Just how much depends on the individuals entering into the union. It is hoped in this day and age that both partners possess at least a high school education. According to the leading marriage counselors, it is far better that the young man have more education than the young lady. The reason is obvious. It is man's role in marriage to be the head of the home.

Age

Although, in general, rural people marry at an earlier age than urban people, the uneducated earlier than the educated, the unskilled earlier than the skilled, and lower classes earlier than the upper classes, all studies show that the chances for happiness in marriage are much less when men marry before the age of 20 and when women marry before the age of 18.6

Rosalind Russell of Hollywood and Broadway fame places great emphasis on the proper age in marriage.

My theory has always been that the girl who shops carefully for a husband or a dress, generally gets better value than one who picks the first article which strikes her fancy. I was 29 when I said, "I do," that's ten years later than most girls wed nowadays. From my own experience, and from all I see, I am convinced that today's boys and girls who are so anxious to set up housekeeping will have much more real happiness if they marry later. To begin with, young people who grow up first and marry later are far more likely to pick the right partners for the right reasons. Too-young brides and grooms expect the prince to be charming forever and the princess to be a dream girl always. But when the romantic haze lifts, a man and a woman stand revealed with their faults showing. To young people this may come as a rude shock. Older people are wiser and more ready to adjust.7

The unique companionship to courtship is made complete by companionship with Christ.

John Ahlhauser

Moral Character

If there is anything that constantly appears on the top of the list of qualifications expected in a life mate, it is moral character. By moral character we mean not only personal goodness, but also the ability to maintain personal goodness as a way of life. There are few things more pathetic than the perpetual adolescent who enters marriage unable to realize that he owes obedience to God, to so­ciety, and to all those who are lawfully placed above him in life. A person with good moral character will show his maturity before marriage. It will be evident in his attitude toward sincerity, honor, purity, duty, and religion. It will be revealed in his taste in recre­ations, amusements, reading, and everything which he performs. A person of good moral character has the proper attitude toward sex. Today, many young people are being misled to believe that it is perfectly all right to have sexual relations before marriage. A person of good moral character knows that such conduct is morally wrong. Furthermore, he realizes that individuals who indulge in this conduct make extremely poor risks in marriage.

Religion

While this subject will be considered at greater length in a fu­ture chapter, let it be said that all reputable studies of marriage counselors show that mixed marriages in which both husband and wife hold their separate faiths have a much higher rate of failure, separation, and divorce than other marriages. These same studies reveal that when both partners are Catholic the divorce rate is the lowest of all marriages mixed and nonmixed.

Use Your Head as Well as Your Heart

The above qualifications indicate that finding the ideal life mate is far from easy, but it is not impossible. If one uses his head as well as his heart in "falling in love," marriage can be a success. Keep in mind, however, that it is not so much to find the right partner as it is to be the right one. Before venturing forward in search for a partner in marriage, make doubly sure that you measure up to your own standards.

Marriage Is Not a Reform School

In considering a life partner, one has to bear in mind many things. Among the important items is this basic fact: marriage is not a reform school. A person is in marriage what he was before. That is why it is all important to constantly bear in mind that sympathy for a person will never make a successful marriage. It takes true love, and true love consists in using one's head as well as one's heart.

There are some individuals in this grand world of ours that just aren't ready for marriage. They should be avoided at all costs. Father Charles Hugo Doyle in an excellent book for teen-agers and all those contemplating wedlock, Blame No One but Yourself, gives a list of individuals who just aren't set for marriage.8

Girls Should Beware of the Following Type of Suitors

1. The Sugar-Daddy Type. He is a real pain in the neck. He is getting on in years and wants to kid himself and you, if you are that stupid, into believing that he can give you security where a younger man can offer you only love.
   
   
2. The Job-Hopping Type. Be awfully careful of marrying a man who in the past two years has not been able to hold a job for more than a month or two at a time. Try to find out the "why" of the numerous moves. Is it because your boy friend is not capable of holding a job, is untrustworthy, is lazy, or cannot get along with his superiors or his fellow workers? Only the desperate marry this type.
   
   
3. The Accident-Prone Type. A good deal of care ought to be exer­cised before you consider marriage to a man who is always having accidents. Usually accident-prone persons have unstable work records, change jobs frequently, are spontaneous and casual in their social relationships, but are rresponsible toward their families.
   
   
4. The Dominant Type. Most girls like the masterful type, but not the dictatorial type. He may say, "Honey, after we're married, we will be as one," but he'll be that one.
   
   
5. The Patriarchal Type. This man will boast more of being the father of your children than he will of being your husband. He'll be a good father, but a vacuous sort of husband.
   
   
6. The Stock-Market Plunger, or the Gambler Type. Caution must be exercised before a girl considers marriage with a person who has an idea that he can beat the horses, the numbers, or the stock market. This type usually turns out to be the wrong one on which to bet a marriage.
   
   
7. The Parasitical Type. This is the fellow who wants to marry a girl with money, so that he can enjoy the finer things of life, to which he is unaccustomed. The milder form of this type is the sponger, buthe is just as bad as other types. He usually calls just before mealtime, and hangs around all day or evening looking at TV. He is the proverbial free-loader. Youcould do nicely without this type of character.
   
   
8. The Jealous Type. Jealousy lives upon doubt, and comes either to an end or becomes fury as soon as it passes from doubt to certainty. Watch out for the nosy, inquisitive beau. There is more self-love than love in this individual.
   
   
9. The Alibi Type. Ingood, plain old English, this type is made up frequently of chronic liars. How can you live long or happily with a person you cannot trust or depend upon?
   
   
10. The Escapist Type. This type is usually emotionally unstable or im­mature. He will never face up to problems. He will, in fact, run away from problems. Marriage, remember, is no reform school.
    

There are also a few types of women young men ought to avoid in selecting a partner for life. According to Father Doyle the fol­lowing types of women can make a man's life pretty miserable.9

Boys Should Beware of the Following Type of Girls

1. The Maternal Type. This type of girl, while essentially wholesome, can be a pain in the neck. She will straighten your tie, offer to sew on a button, will worry about your not getting enough rest, etc. She is a good type for a person who feels the need of mothering, but most fellows get away from home to avoid just such dependence.
   
   
2. The Baby-Doll Type. This type is quite familiar — dreamy eyes, dimples, round face, and a little on the plump side, employs baby talk, and is frequently noticeably selfish. Marriage is no game for either babies or dolls.
   
   
3. The Competitive Type. The competitive gal is one who delights in setting her net for the young man her best girl friend has been dating regularly. She gets more of a kick out of landing the fish on some other girl's line than in doing her own fishing. This type is a bit of a risk in marriage since, if the competitive spirit is deep-rooted, she may work as deftly on someone else's husband.
   
   
4. The Possessive Type. This type can be a real headache, for such a woman often holds her husband so closely that she stifles him. The possessive type dominates every waking moment of her husband's life. She resents his friends, she wants him solely for herself. Be cautious of the girl who wants you to give up all your friends for her.
   
   
5. The Romantic Type. When this "dreamer" is tied down to talk about a home, finances, budgets, housekeeping, or children, she naively re­ marks that "All that matters is love." Be more than a little cautious of the gal who keeps saying: "Do it because you love me."
   
   
6. The Matriarchial Type. This is the "Lady MacBeth" type. She will scold if your shoes are dirty or if your hair is not combed or not recently cut. Some men need such a wife, and they could go places under her domination and pushing; but for one who can take such a deal, there are 99 whose ulcers would have ulcers in no time at all.
   
   
7. The Huntress Type. Here we have the boy-crazy individual who gets more kick out of the chase than in the capture. The older she gets, the more desperate she may become. She giggles, flirts, wears daring gowns and outlandish hats, and takes keen delight in knowing that she is fancy bait. The trouble in marrying such a girl is that she may not be easily domesticated.
   
   
8. The Fragile, Helpless Type. This type is so helpless that she cannot cook, manage a house, or clean a window. Such a wife certainly won't make a "helpmate"!
   
   
9. The Masculine Type. This type can change a tire with one hand tied behind her back, shingle a roof, face a mouse or a moose with equal calm; and she wears men's clothes at the drop of a hat. . . . But a girl should definitely possess some feminine traits.
   
   
10. The Extravagant Type. Every young man contemplating marriage and faced with the choice of a suitable mate ought to consider well the girl who, among other qualities, is careful, thrifty, and economical. Boys, be especially careful, of a clothes horse — that is, the girl who spends all her wages on clothes. Be careful, too, of the girl who goes on spending sprees, one who buys things not because they are needed but because there is a sale going on somewhere. If such a one hasn't learned to save any of her own money . . . she won't save yours.
    
    
11. The Career Type. This type would rather sacrifice her husband than her career. Such a wife doesn't make for a happy home.
    
    
12. The Nagging Type. One of the most common reasons given for broken marriages is that one or the other of the mates indulged in the miserable habit of nagging. Unless you have the nerves of steel and a hide as tough as a rhinoceros, don't marry this type.
    

From the above lists of individuals to avoid as a life partner, one can readily see how necessary it is to prepare for marriage. Be­cause of this, it is essential to the outcome of marriage that both parties make use of prayer in their individual lives. It takes three to get married, the lover (man), the beloved (woman), and God, who is Love. To stay in tune with the will of Love requires reg­ular habits of prayer, because without God man can do nothing. A true spiritual life does not admit of a "self-made man."

Importance of Prayer

In his great encyclical On Christian Marriage, Pope Pius XI stressed the importance of prayer during this period. "Let them diligently pray for Divine help, so that they will make their choice in accordance with Christian prudence, not indeed led by the blind and unrestrained impulse of lust, nor by any desire of riches or other base influence, but by a true and noble love and by a sincere affection for the future partner. . . ." As in the other states in life which we have considered, prayer is essential toward achieving a successful marriage. An old Russian proverb testifies to this:

Before embarking on a journey, pray once. Before leaving for war, pray twice. Before you marry, pray three times.

love and Marriage

Happiness in marriage does not result automatically from the mere act of getting married. It is achieved only by mutual striving, endless patience, and persistent effort. The happiness a couple gets out of marriage must be earned. This means supreme effort on the part of both must be maintained before marriage ever takes place. A lofty unselfish love in marriage is prepared for before­hand by a lofty unselfish love during courtship. This implies, of course, that both parties understand what love really means.

It is amazing and even tragic how prevalent is the false idea of the meaning of love in the minds of many high school students. "Love is falling for someone," a boy writes, "it'll strike like a thunderbolt." A girl states: "Every time I look at him I have a wonderful feeling inside." "Butterfly-in-stomach feeling," ventures another.

It's almost as if someone cooked up a gigantic conspiracy to produce this fuzzy thinking. In many instances it is produced. The plot is extreme romanticism. It reaches us daily through songs, the advertisements for soap and cosmetics, the radio, the movies, television, and the books and magazines we read. You know the typical story. It goes something like this:

She was sweet sixteen and a doll. Nothing much had ever happened to her. She had been living a life of innocent waiting, doing her school work, helping her mother around the house. Sud­denly, one night at a school dance he appeared. This was it! Right away they knew that they were made for each other. They had "that ol' feeling." Suddenly nothing else in the world mattered. They were in love. Completely, utterly, suddenly, madly in love. From the very first kiss they realized that fate had thrown them into each other's arms. There was nothing else to do but get married for this was the real thing. And so they eloped and got married and lived happily ever after.

This romantic fairy tale has deceived many teen-agers into thinking that they are really in love when in reality it is nothing more than mere infatuation. How many more happy marriages there would be if this false idea of love were not so widespread. True love is not infatuation, everyone knows that. But how to tell the one from the other? Monsignor J. D. Conway, the famous ques-tion-and-answer priest, makes some very definite distinctions be­tween love and infatuation in his book: What They Ask About Marriage.

Love grows and growth takes time. It has to sink its roots firmly into the deep soil of the soul. It is a perennial plant, and these grow slowly. You fall into infatuation. Falling is fast, with acceleration. Fall­ing is uncontrollable. It comes as a whirlwind sweeping one off his feet . . . but it seldom lasts long, and is often disastrous. It provides only thrills.

True love is based on knowledge. It knows well the one it loves and why it loves. It observes. It appraises. It is held firmly by many ties. It can enumerate in detail the points of beauty of the loved-one, the flights of spirit, the qualities of soul, the walk, voice, words, inter­ests and mannerisms. Infatuation is apt to be swept up in the strong attraction of a few compelling traits. It sees blonde hair, fine face and fancy figure and forgets all the rest. In other words, true love stresses the internals, infatuation stresses the externals.

True love is realistic. It embraces the entire personality. This in­cludes virtues as well as shortcomings and defects. Infatuation thrives on fancy and fantasy, ignoring the entire personality. This sort of "love" is really blind.

True love has as much giving in it as of seeking. It is centered on the loved one, not on self. It seeks a real union of two partners. In­fatuation would dominate unknowingly, seeing the loved one as a source of personal joy, pleasure and satisfaction.

True love is honest. It does not express what it does not feel and believe. Expressions of love come slowly, sincerely, naturally. They are never forced or faked. Physical expressions, when they do come, have real deep meaning. Infatuation reverses the process. It is born of ex­pression, thrives on it for hasty growth and may as quickly wither. The meaning is lacking; it is just fun, thrilling but not lasting.

Love is constant, enduring, even patient when it must be. Infatuation is as changeable as it is hasty. Love tends to be faithful. Infatuation is apt to flitter. Love gives calmness, security, peace, trust and happiness. Infatuation gives thrills, joys, sorrows, jealousies and uncertainties. Love has ideals but never idealizes without looking squarely at realities.10

As one can rightfully see, therefore, true love is something noble, dignified, and precious. It is something natural, but it is also very spiritual. If it seeks to unite two beings of opposite sex into one; if it seeks to bring together two intellects, two free wills into one life, it is because the Creator "made them male and female," and because Christ consecrated this union in the Sacra­ment of Matrimony.

Love, the mature love that is related to marriage and to love of God and neighbor, is an act. It is something we do or don't do. It doesn't just happen. It is not purely emotional. It must, in order to be mature, involve one's intellect and will. We use our intellect to judge the person we may love, and we use our will to consent to the act of loving that person. Feelings certainly do accompany one's will to love, but feelings are not always present in every act of love. It frequently involves sacrifice. To give a baby a bottle in the middle of the night seldom evokes for parents feel­ings of ecstatic joy and this act is not a very romantic one, but it is an act of love performed out of love. It is vitally important, therefore, for both parties to know whether or not they are really in love. To enable a person to do this, the following set of questions has been devised. Positive answers to these questions should be arrived at before a couple pledge themselves "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death."

1. Do you think that your love is morally helpful, respectful to God's laws and self-sacrificing?
   
   
2. Do you really respect each other deeply in addition to the physical attraction you feel for each other?
   
   
3. Do you have similar ideas about children? about money? about right and wrong? about give and take in getting along together? about God's laws governing dating, courtship, and marriage? about sticking it out through thick and thin?
   
   
4. Can you get along with the other's family?
   
   
5. Do you find much to say and do together, in addition to expressing love?
   
   
6. When disagreements arise, is your thought to strengthen the relation­ ship rather than to win a victory?
   
   
7. Are you proud to have your partner meet your friends and relatives?
   
   
8. Do you love him (her) just as he (she) is, faults and all, without a desire to reform or improve him (her)?
   
   
9. Do you do your thinking and planning in terms of "we" and "what we will do," rather than of "I" and "what I want"?
   
   
10. Are you inclined to give much consideration to his (her) ideas, wishes, and judgments, even when they conflict with your own?
    
    
11. Do you feel that among all those you know, he (she) is the one you would select as the father (mother) of your children?
    
    
12. Do you feel that there is room in you for a good deal of growth and improvement, which association with him (her) will produce?
    
    
13. Do you think of yourselves not merely as delightful or thrilling com­panions, but as partners in an enterprise that is great enough to de­mand your best talents, and efforts all the rest of your life?
    
    
14. Have you stopped to listen to your head ... as well as your heart? Have you asked Christ of Cana about your love?
    

Love Has Its Hazards

Two people who have discovered that they are in love want to do more than merely tell each other about it. They want to manifest their love. This is natural. But demonstrations of affection must be held within the bounds of the moral law and the accepted standards of social propriety. True love tends toward union, a union of hearts, not necessarily of bodies, certainly not before marriage. All marriage counselors agree to this. They realize that a chaste courtship is necessary for happiness and success in marriage. The non-Catholic director of the American Institute of Family Rela­tions, Paul Popenoe, expresses this fact very strongly in his book, Modern Marriage: "Continence is not only important but abso­lutely necessary, during the years preceding marriage. ... It is not only a desirable but an indispensable means to an important end, namely, a successful marriage."11

Sex attraction, therefore, is intended to lead to marriage, but only after marriage to its joys and privileges. God has made man, male and female. Each is possessed of a different nature. Those differences are both physical and psychological. These two natures, each incomplete in itself, find their completion in that sacred fusion which is achieved in matrimony only. It is sufficient for young people to know this without seeking to explore the physical basis of these differences. The physical element of sex has been limited by God to marriage only. Outside of marriage inordinate physical enjoyment is lust, not love.12 That is why young people in love have to be on their guard lest too much physical contact degenerate their love into sordid and selfish passion. Because of this, a clear understanding of the morality of lovemaking before marriage is essential to assure a chaste courtship and a happy marriage.

The Morality of Kissing

There are kisses and kisses, but the general rule of morality is this: kissing or embracing is a serious sin against chastity for those unmarried to each other when it is done with the intention of stimulating or promoting the sexual appetite or sexual desire, or when one thereby is freely and knowingly exposed to the proximate danger of unlawful sexual activity or of consent to sexual pleasure. This means that necking (prolonged and passionate kissing) and petting (allowing a person to place his hands upon the intimate parts of the body) are seriously sinful for those unmarried to each other. They are deliberate assumptions of privileges and rights which have no place outside of marriage. They are preludes to procreation. The same holds true for the "French kiss," or what­ever name it goes by (it has several). Such actions are mortally sinful because of what they normally do to the passions of the persons involved.

Even in cases where there is no evil intention or no proximate danger of sin, kissing or embracing without a relatively sufficient reason would not be free from venial sin. In the beginning of courtship (dating) there might appear to be no danger at all in kissing or embracing be­cause neither party has immodest intentions. Nevertheless, the couple are emotionally thrilled just to be together, and this emotional state is heightened by caresses even when modest. In this heightened emotional state, physical passion is easily aroused. Even modest signs of affection must be avoided if they are frequent, prolonged, and ardent, because these things invariably arouse physical passion and this cannot be the aim of unmarried people in expressing their affection.13

This does not mean, however, that every kiss is seriously im­moral. An occasional kiss given with genuine affection and purity of thought is too lovely and good to be that. It's just that young people have to bear in mind constantly that kissing can very easily get out of hand, because of different attitudes of the two sexes regarding kissing.

The attitude of a girl toward a kiss is quite different from the attitude of a boy. A girl loves affection and is little afraid of passion. She enjoys being admired. And she may maintain that she is not tempted in her body no matter how prolonged the kissing. So to her the kiss may simply indicate that she is attractive to some boy who shows his affection for her with a kiss.

With a boy the attitude is different. He may first kiss a girl calmly and peacefully when he says good night, and the whole experience may seem quite harmless. But if he continues to kiss her, the warmth and intensity grow. In no time at all he is likely to find himself excited and strange, with unmistakable yearnings manifesting themselves in his body and his soul.

Very few individuals realize this when they embark on dating and give the first kiss. They forget or overlook the fact that be­cause of the sin of Adam, the animal is strong in man ... so strong that if one carelessly exposes oneself to the danger of arousing it, it can easily brush aside all considerations of honor and self-respect and the promptings of virtue in order to gratify its eager desires.

This has been pointed out again and again. A high school senior wrote:

Remember that first kiss? He was your one and only and he kissed you. Your heart gave a big thump and you sighed softly. The first kiss satisfied you for a whole week. Then another date, another kiss. This time one kiss wasn't enough ... so you stayed out a few minutes later saying goodnight. A few dates later found you spending more and more time trying to achieve the same thrill you got out of that first kiss. Every time you were together you'd "scrounge" a little longer and go a little further. Then the answer to "When will I be satisfied?" got a little vague. Maybe you could have stopped when you wanted to, but it's hard to control emotions. You might not be able to stop until it's too late ... so think it over.14

Are there any rules or guides regarding the question of kissing? Perhaps the best rule of thumb to go by in the matter of kissing is this: The FEAR guide.

When kissing is

F — Frequent, repeated often in a comparatively short time;

E — Enduring, the kisses are prolonged (How often do you kiss your sister or mother that way?);

A — Ardent, going beyond the warmth of the friendly or affectionate limits;

Then it is PASSIONATE AND CANNOT BE JUSTIFIED before the court of ...

R — Reason or Religion for those unmarried.15

Self-Respect and Sex

A young man who is seriously interested in a girl does not want their friendship spoiled by too much physical contact. The girl who finds her date overly eager for physical intimacies has a right to doubt his respect and sincerity. Boys who are worth dating respect a girl for drawing the line and are more likely to love and respect her and to want to marry her if she keeps control of the situation. This does not mean that she must be cold and unfeeling or fail to act as if she appreciates and is interested in the affection of her date. Neither boys nor girls have serious problems in courtship if they have self-respect and confidence in their ability to win and keep friends without using sex as a lure.

The way the world treats the matter of kissing and lovemaking today is one of the chief causes that leads many young people to indulge in impure liberties with each other. Teen-agers must not forget that God has constructed them so that they cannot indulge in intimate physical contact with one of the opposite sex toward whom they have a liking without arousing deep responses ... sex impulses over which they have difficulties of self-control. This does not mean that boys and girls can't control themselves. It simply means that when boys and girls play with the fire of sex, their reason boils and is blocked solidly by the enflamed passions. Boys and girls must remember that they are playing with dynamite when they place one another in occasions of unnecessary and im­moral "lovemaking."

Well, some people ask, "What's wrong with premarital relations anyway?" Besides being a serious sin against the Sixth Command­ment of God, it is against the entire courtship code itself. One might compare marriage to a cake composed of three layers: (1) chil­dren, (2) mutual fidelity — this includes mutual respect and con­fidence, (3) indissolubility — marriage bond cannot be severed except by death. Sex relations are the frosting which, after all, should not be put on the cake until after it is baked. Too many have wrecked their lives by experimenting with "love." Remember, God's courtship code was created not to annoy and frustrate you or to keep you from having a good time, but to assure you of rightful living and a more happy marriage. You will expect your partner to bring to the altar on your wedding day three gifts: a clean mind, a clean heart, and a clean body. Your partner also has a perfect right to expect the same from you.

To quote Paul Popenoe once again:

There is no scientific basis for the idea that previous sexual experience is a good, much less a necessary preparation for marriage. This is suffi­ciently proved by statistical finding . . . that the happiest marriages, and those with the best sexual adjustment between the partners, are those in which neither husband nor wife has had any previous sexual ex­perience. They have nothing to unlearn, nothing to try to forget, nothing to regret.16

College Marriages

If there is anything increasing on college campuses throughout the United States it is the appearance of married college students. Prospective life mates planning college should keep in mind that marriage while in college means more than having a congenial roommate. It requires tremendous sacrifice to make a success of marriage under such circumstances. And although some colleges have good-naturedly granted wives of married students an honorary degree known as PHT (Putting Hubby Through), the hazards of combining marriage and education should not be taken lightly.

The Engagement

After a considerable time of courtship an engagement is estab­lished. An engagement is a mutual promise to enter into marriage in the near future. The young man frequently gives the girl an engagement ring which she wears on the third finger of her left hand. There are two types of engagements: informal and formal.

Informal

The informal engagement can occur almost anywhere. This is the one that has been described in romance literature time and time again. The young man proposes to the girl in the moonlight and she says "Yes." He then places the ring on her finger and they are engaged. They then proceed to announce the fact to their relatives and friends.

Forma/

On the increase in this country is the formal engagement, better known as the "solemn engagement." This is the only kind of an engagement officially recognized by the Church (Canon 1017). The ritual for the ceremony of solemn engagement is simple but meaningful, foreshadowing the day when the couple will be united sacramentally in Christ. While there is no standard formula for the ceremony itself, in most instances the ceremony is conducted in the following manner either in conjunction with a Mass or as a candle­light ceremony in the evening.

Milwaukee Journal Photo

The ritual for the ceremony of solemn engagement fore­shadows the day when the couple will be united sacramentally in Christ.

Kneeling at the Communion rail, the couple join their right hands, and, before the priest and witnesses, promise to marry one day "according to the ordinances of God and Holy Church."

"I will keep faith and loyalty to thee, and so in thy necessities aid and comfort thee," promises the prospective bridegroom, "which things and all that a man ought to do unto his espoused I promise to do unto thee and to keep by the faith that is in me."

A similar pledge is recited by the young woman.

After the priest has blessed the engagement ring, the man places it on his fiancee's ringer, invoking the blessing of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. The priest opens the Missal to the beginning of the Canon, and presents the page imprinted with the crucifix, which is kissed first by the man, and then by the woman.

The ceremony ends as the couple sign a document asserting that they "have this day promised the eventual consecration of one another in the sacrament of Matrimony." The priest and witnesses also sign the paper.

Motivation for the ceremony may be discovered in the prayer of the young people themselves, which is included in the docu­ment recording their solemn engagement. It reads;

May the Divine Spirit with His grace and manifold gifts enlighten our minds and move our wills to spend the days of our engagement soberly, piously, and justly, awaiting the blessed consummation of that union to which we have been called and to which we are solemnly pledged. In Thee, O Lord, do we put our trust. Let us nevermore be confounded.

It should be noted here that no engagement, not even a formal one, can compel a marriage if one of the parties decides not to marry. Engagement leads to marriage, but it is considerably re­moved from marriage because it does not bind with the same force as does marriage itself.

Because engagements are not marriages, it must be constantly noted that any display or manifestation of love between the en­gaged that involves the arousing of sensual desire or feeling and the danger of consenting thereto is as wrong and sinful in the en­gaged as for the unengaged. In other words, there are no sexual privileges for the engaged.

While engaged couples may kiss each other on meeting and parting in a decent and chaste way, in a way that would not be considered shameful and improper in the presence of others, it is obvious that there are some kinds of kissing and embracing that by their very na­ture lead to intense sexual desires and feelings. Such would be close, prolonged, passionate kissing and embracing. Without a doubt there will be severe temptations to indulge in these things for a couple who are deeply in love and looking forward to marriage. But if they truly want their marriage to be good and holy and blessed in the eyes of God, they will resist the temptation to cheat by taking in advance that which God can make lawful and virtuous for them only after they will have married. Moreover the virtue of prudence will suggest that they do not spend too much time alone and in secret together, when the very circumstances would make more acute the yearning for passionate and sinful love-making. They must deeply convince them­selves that the right to such things is given by God only to the married.17

Length of Engagement

How long should an engagement last? How often this question is asked. The answer depends, of course, on the circumstances in each individual instance. The general rule is that an engagement should not be so short as to give them insufficient time to decide about their mutual compatibility; also the engagement should not be so long as to permit matters to drag on needlessly, especially if the couple sees a lot of each other. The emotional strain under which lovers exist should not be prolonged more than necessary. As a general rule, except in special circumstances, an engagement should not last longer than a year.

Paul Popenoe, whom we have quoted before in this chapter, says:

Ordinarily it [an engagement] should not last many months — cer­tainly no longer than a year, if the two see a good deal of each other. The emotional strain under which lovers exist is damaging and should be ended as soon as possible. Long acquaintanceship preceding marriage is desirable; long betrothal is injurious. . . . Many exceptions will occur, but not enough to vitiate the general rule that if a man and woman are deeply in love, and if they had any right to become betrothed, they should and will marry without letting things drag indefinitely.18

How long your engagement will be remains to be seen. But make certain that it is long enough so that you and your partner have time to change your minds about getting married before it's too late. By scheduling the wedding too soon after proposal and acceptance, a young couple may discover all too late that they just don't get along with each other.

So Much to Do

The period of engagement is truly a serious one. It should not be wasted on a hectic round of parties, dances, and dates. The engaged couple should seriously consider the sacrament they are soon to enter. The questions of religion, money, choice of friends, ways of dealing with parents and other family members, tastes in recreation, way of bringing up children are but a few of the prac­tical things which must be resolved before tying the knot. Cer­tainly the time of engagement should be a time of intense prayer and frequent reception of the Sacraments.

An engaged couple should not feel embarrassed to begin and end each date with a simple little prayer for their happiness and success in marriage. After all, in a brief time, they will be kneeling together each night to say their night prayers. This should not be a strange ex­perience. It is very heartening to see so many engaged couples in the United States going to Mass and Communion together. Such spiritual unity is a good indication that they will continue to strive together for the sanctity of their state of matrimony.1"

During the months of engagement both parties should avail themselves of some good Catholic reading on the subject of mar­riage. A representative selection of available books and pamphlets is found at the end of each chapter in this book. Perhaps your parish priest will suggest a few. Whatever the case, an engaged couple should do some serious reading on the sacrament they are about to enter.

If Pre-Cana talks are available, the engaged couple should take advantage of this opportunity and attend them faithfully. At such conferences, they will learn the ins and outs of marriage from experts. It also affords a couple the chance of meeting other couples with similar problems and the sharing of solutions.

In areas where Pre-Cana talks are not available, a correspond­ence course, "Together in Christ," is now being offered from the St. Paul Seminary, St. Paul 1, Minnesota, and St. Mary's Seminary, Baltimore 10, Maryland. Directed by Father Henry V. Sattler, C.SS.R., of the N.C.W.C. Family Life Bureau, this course of in­structions consists of eleven instructions and questionnaires at a fee of $7.50. Upon the completion of this course the student re­ceives a diploma and notice is sent to the sponsoring parish priest.

Gradually increasing in popularity are week-end retreats for engaged couples or engaged men or engaged women. If aspirants for religious life conclude their novitiate with a closed retreat before vowing them­selves to God, how natural it should seem for the engaged to close their engagement "novitiate" with a retreat before pronouncing their vows to each other in God. If there is no retreat house in your area, at least spend a weekly Holy Hour together for the few weeks before your marriage. Make sure that the last minute preparations on the evening and morning before your wedding are not so full of scurry that you do not have time to pause for a moment in the presence of God to take stock in prayerful awareness of the great religious step you are taking.20

Breaking the Engagement

Since an engagement is a promise of a contract of marriage but not yet the real thing, it can and does happen that engagements are broken. This may appear at first glance to be a distressing fact. Not at all. Broken engagements prevent marriages which almost certainly would end in unhappiness, and possibly divorce. A con­siderable number of young people become engaged for reasons having very little to do with marriage. Typical is the case reported by the young man who explained, after breaking his engagement: "We were both the most popular in our school for two years. I played football. She was vice-president of our class. We were lead­ers in our respective groups. My fraternity and her class had our marriage all planned." It was only after their engagement that they realized they were not suited for one another.

Somewhere between one third and one half of all young people experience at least one broken engagement before entering the one that ultimately leads to marriage. The reasons for breaking the engagement are many. Authorities list the following as the chief reasons:

1. An undesired and protracted long engagement
   
   
2. Unfaithfulness
   
   
3. One party decides to consecrate his or her life to God
   
   
4. Serious illness or accident
   
   
5. Immaturity
   
   
6. Personality differences
   
   
7. Economic incompetence
   
   
8. Fear of marriage
   
   
9. Cultural contrasts
   
   
10. Mutual consent
    

In breaking an engagement both parties should make sure that they make a complete break with each other. This means that the engagement ring must be returned. If other gifts were given in an anticipation of marriage (as wedding gifts), these, too, must be returned. There should be no self-pity. One should set about de­veloping new friends and interests and getting back into the swing of things. And stay clear of marrying on the rebound. All that has been mentioned in this chapter about selecting a life mate should once again be looked over, so that a future engagement ring doesn't end up in one's nose.

SUGGESTIONS FOR READING

The Art of Happy Marriage, James A. Magner (Milwaukee: The Bruce Publishing Co., 1947).

*The Family Clinic, John L. Thomas, S.J. (Westminster, Md.: The New­man Press, 1958).

Getting Along With People, Milton Wright (New York: McGraw-Hill Book Co., 1955J.

The Girl Worth Choosing, Daniel A. Lord, S.J. (St. Louis, Mo.: The Queen's Work, 1953).

Happy Marriage, John A. O'Brien (New York: Hanover House, 1956).

Kissing, Winfrid Herbst, S.D.S. (St. Louis: The Queen's Work, 1952).

Love, Sex, and the Teenagers, Daniel A. Lord, S.J. (St. Louis: The Queen's Work, 1947).

The Man of Your Choice, Daniel A. Lord, S.J. (St. Louis, Mo.: The Queen's Work, 1952).

Marriage Guide for Engaged Catholics, William F. F. McManus, S.T.L. (New York: Paulist Press, 1961).

"Marriage and the Family, Alphonse H. Clemens (Englewood Cliffs, N. J.: Prentice-Hall, Inc., 1957).

''Modern Youth and Chastity, Gerald Kelly, S.J. (St. Louis: The Queen's Work, 1943).

Modesty, Rev. Vincent Fecher, S.V.D. (Techny, 111.: Divine Word Publica­tions, 1960). *"Petting and Courtship," Max J. Exner,

Sex-Character Education, edited by John A. O'Brien (New York: The Macmillan Co., 1953).

Pucker Up, Taylor Klose (New York: Paulist Press, 1960).

Purity and Power, Vincent Fecher, S.V.D. (Techny, 111.: Divine Word Publications, 1960).

Questions Young People Ask Before Marriage, Donald F. Miller, C.SS.R. (Liguori, Mo.: The Liguorian Press, 1956).

*Sex Is Sacred, Lawrence G. Lovasik, S.V.D. (Techny, 111.: Divine Word Publications, 1958).

Strategy in Courtship, John A. O'Brien (Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Maria Press, 1954).

Teenagers and Kissing, Ernest F. Miller (Liguori, Mo.: The Liguorian Press, 1957).

What Young People Ask About Life, Love and Marriage, Donald F.

Miller, C.SS.R. (Liguori, Mo.: The Liguorian Press, 1959).

When Is Company-Keeping Lawful and Prudent, Donald F. Miller, C.SS.R. (Liguori, Mo.: The Liguorian Press, 1956).

Your Engagement Should Be in Church, Rev. Chester Wrzaszczak (St. Louis: The Queen's Work, 1954).

Youth's Ideal — A Chaste Courtship, John A. O'Brien (Huntington, Ind.: Our Sunday Visitor Press, 1954).

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