The United States enjoys the dubious distinction of having the highest divorce rate in the world. Each year, it is estimated that about a half-million marriages are broken by divorce, separation, desertion, or annulment. Nor does this figure tell the complete story. "No one knows how many unhappily married husbands and wives do not attempt to escape from their union via legal or extra-legal means. While it is true that most Americans are happily married, some more so than others, it is quite apparent that a large number are not satisfied in their marriage relationship."1

Since marriage is a permanent contract dissolved only by the death of one's spouse, the extent and degree of marital breakup and marital maladjustment demands an explanation. What are the reasons for a couple once apparently in love to seek a divorce? What impels the husband or wife to walk out on a marriage and to disappear from his spouse, children, relatives, and friends? What prompts a couple to seek a separation or an annulment? These and other questions will be considered in this chapter.

Divorce

Divorce may be defined as the unhappy opposite of a wedding.2 It is the severing of the bond existing between husband and wife, so that they live apart, no longer enjoy marital rights or privileges, and cease to be a pair. It legally gives the couple the right to contract a new marriage with different partners.

The purpose of careful preparation for marriage is to insure happiness in marriage and to pre­vent the anxiety, heartaches, andwounds left by divorce.

Bristol-Myers Company

Arguments for divorce are plentiful. They range from the ridicu­lous to the pathetic and the insane:

"She took an hour and a half to make up her face."

"He was a vegetarian and this upset her diet."

"He came to breakfast in his long underwear."

"She got the chicken-pox while they were on their honeymoon."

"He was more fond of his pet rooster than of her."

From the headlines in the newspapers it is easy to see that the arguments for divorce all boil down to this: whatever makes married life hard or unpleasant is sufficient justification for break­ing the marriage bond.

Seeking the causes of this American scandal is a complex task. The reasons given in divorce courts are rarely the real reasons for marriage failures. People simply pick the easiest legal ground — usually some catchall like "mental cruelty." And since 90 per cent of divorces are uncontested, the real reasons for ending the contract seldom come out into the open.3

Writers on the subject of divorce and marriage failures have listed many reasons for breaking up housekeeping. Some are serious, some are trivial. Frequently more than one exist in any given divorce case.4 The reasons given for divorce are:

1. Excessive drinking
   
   
2. Adultery — infidelity — lust
   
   
3. Irresponsibility or immaturity
   
   
4. Incompatibility of temperament
   
   
5. In-law troubles
   
   
6. Sexual incompatibility — problems arising from limiting the size of the family
   
   
7. Mental illness — ill-health
   
   
8. Religious differences — mixed marriage
   
   
9. Financial difficulties — insufficient income
   
   
10. Hasty marriages-—-improper preparation especially during war years
    
    
11. Easy availability of divorce
    
    
12. Working wives
    
    
13. Cultural incompatibility
    
    
14. Exploitation, misrepresentation, and debasement of marriage in print, on the stage, in the movies, radio, and TV
    
    
15. Selfishness and exaggerated individualism
    

In the last analysis, however, it can be said that most marriage failures result from haste and lack of preparation for the vocation of marriage, or from weakness of personality and character and the consequent failure to adjust in marriage.

It Takes Two to Tangle

While women are granted three-fourths of all divorces in the United States, this does not mean to imply that the woman in the majority of divorce cases is sinless and without fault. To make a success of marriage a great deal depends on each partner's personality. A partner may have difficulties in his personality which make it hard for him to get along with others. More frequently than not both partners are at fault in a divorce action. Emotional immaturity, combined with the lack of self-sacrifice, causes many a couple to fail to work together as a team. To point up this fact, recently a survey was taken in which husbands and wives were asked to list the most annoying marital grievances of their partners.

A brief study of this list shows convincingly how important mature preparation for marriage is for marital success.

MARITAL GRIEVANCES LEADING TO DIVORCE1

Order Listed by Husbands

1. Nags me
   
   
2. Not affectionate
   
   
3. Selfish and inconsiderate
   
   
4. Complains too much
   
   
5. Interferes with hobbies
   
   
6. Slovenly in appearance
   
   
7. Quick-tempered
   
   
8. Interferes with my discipline
   
   
9. Conceited
   
   
10. Insincere
    
    
11. Feelings hurt too easily
    
    
12. Criticizes me
    
    
13. Narrow-minded
    
    
14. Neglects children
    
    
15. A poor housekeeper
    
    
16. Argumentative
    
    
17. Has annoying habits
    
    
18. Untruthful
    
    
19. Interferes in my business
    
    
20. Spoils the children
    
    
21. Poor management of income
    
    
22. In-laws
    
    
23. Insufficient income
    
    
24. Nervous and emotional
    
    
25. Easily influenced by others
    
    
26. Jealous
    
    
27. Lazy
    
    
28. Gossips indiscreetly
    

Order Listed by Wives

1. Selfish and inconsiderate
   
   
2. Unsuccessful in business
   
   
3. Untruthful
   
   
4. Complains too much
   
   
5. Does not show his affection
   
   
6. Does not talk things over
   
   
7. Harsh with the children
   
   
8. Touchy
   
   
9. Has no interest in children
   
   
10. Not interested in home
    
    
11. Not affectionate
    
    
12. Rude
    
    
13. Lacks ambition
    
    
14. Nervous or impatient
    
    
15. Criticizes me
    
    
16. Poor management of income
    
    
17. Narrow-minded
    
    
18. Not faithful to me
    
    
19. Lazy
    
    
20. Bored with my small talk
    
    
21. In-laws
    
    
22. Easily influenced by others
    
    
23. Tight with money
    
    
24. Argumentative
    
    
25. Insufficient income
    
    
26. No backbone
    
    
27. Dislikes to go out with me
    
    
28. Pays attention to other women
    

The Deserted Child

While it is true to say that more divorces occur among childless couples than those with children,6 it is also true to say that the one who suffers most in a divorce action is the child. A divorce cuts the ground from under the child. It sets him grimly apart from his friends and classmates, from everyone else who still has a whole family to belong to, a whole family to back him up.

Mutual of New York

Divorce is hard enough on the man and wife; the child is treated to the spectacle of see­ing his home blow up before his eyes. The character you are building now is your greatest heritage to your children.

Some 300,000 children are involved in divorce each year. This means that each year in the United States thousands of children are being crippled emotionally by divorce. A deserted child suffers frustration. His need for satisfying human relationships is thwarted. In a divorce which is bitterly contested, the child is treated to the spectacle of seeing his home blow up before his eyes.

The father and mother that he is supposed to love, respect, and imitate as examples of good living are exposed as jealous, selfish, spiteful, greedy, bitter people so wrapped up in their private hates that they have no feeling left for him but the desire of each to alienate him from the other.

Occasionally parents give the knife in the child's feelings an exquisite twist by allowing him to see that they regard him (and his brothers and sisters) as an intolerable burden, one which either parent is glad to shift to the other.

When his own parents make it clear that they don't want him, it is not too hard for a child to take out his resentment on the adult community of which those parents are a part. He finds out­lets for his resentment and frustration. This explains in part why investigation of the family background of our problem school­children and our youthful delinquents shows that in alarming numbers they are the products of broken homes.

Even where the divorce is a friendly one (if this is possible) and both parents assure the child that they are still the best of friends but not happy together any more, the child is left feeling that he matters very little to either of his parents. If they did care they would put up with each other's disagreeable company for the sake of giving him his normal heritage of a home where he belongs, with his own mother and father to take care of him.

Divorce Breeds Divorce

The damage divorce brings to home life is far from ended with the payment of alimony. Divorce has a way of continuing itself not only among the divorced, but also among their children.

Parents who rush into divorce in the illusion that they are "making things better for the children" seldom realize the pattern they are establishing. Court and marriage-clinic records show that children of divorced parents are far more likely to turn to divorce when their own marriages hit rough spots later on than are children whose parents stuck together through thick and thin. They have a pattern for failure in marriage but none for success.7

A successful marriage is a lifelong career, not a state achieved once and for all times when a couple steps away from the altar. Consideration, patience, tolerance, common understanding, the ability to overlook small faults, and a sense of humor are all essential to the success of marriage. If married persons commonly realized this, our nation would not be plagued with divorce and broken homes as it is today.

The Church Speaks

The Catholic Church has ever been the guardian of marriage. Since her foundation, she has taught the unity, indissolubility, and sanctity of the marriage bond. Despite the free-love ethics of the world, the Church still proclaims that marriage is now and for all time unbreakable. She does this because Christ commanded her to do so.

The mind of Christ toward the indissolubility of marriage is quite clearly pointed out in the Gospels and tradition.

"Have you not read that He who made man from the beginning made them male and female?" Christ asked the Pharisees, "For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they two shall be in one flesh. Therefore, now they are not two, but one flesh, WHAT THEREFORE GOD HATH JOINED TOGETHER, LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER" (Mt. 19:4-8).

In St. Mark's Gospel, we have Jesus saying that "Whosoever shall put away his wife committeth adultery against her. And if the wife shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery" (10:11-12).

St. Luke quotes Him to the same effect: "And he that marrieth her that is put away committeth adultery" (16:18).

St. Paul the Apostle underscores all this for the benefit of the early Christians. Writing to the Romans, he says: "For the woman that has a husband, while her husband lives is bound to the law; but if her husband dies, she is loosed from the law of her husband. Therefore, while her husband lives, she shall be called an adulteress if she be with another man; but if her husband is dead, she is delivered from the law of her husband, so that she is not an adulter­ess, if she is with another man" (7:2-3).

"To them that are married, not I, but the Lord commands," he writes to the Corinthians, "that the wife depart not from her husband. And if she depart, that she remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband" (1 Cor. 7:10-11).

This, of course, has been Christian teaching from the beginning. Hermas, one of the earliest Christian writers, said, around the year 160 — only 60 years after the death of St. John the Evangelist: "If a man have an adulterous wife, let him put her away and let the husband remain by himself; but if he puts his wife away and marry then, he also commits adultery."

At about the same time (165) St. Justin Martyr wrote: "Who­ever marries a woman that has been put away by another, commits adultery."

St. Clement of Alexandria (150-216): "The Bible declares it to be adultery if a person marries another while his or her partner is still alive."

St. Jerome (340-420) wrote: "As long as the husband is alive, even though he be an adulterer . . . and is deserted by his wife for his crimes, he is still her husband and she may not take another."

MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE: UNITED STATES, 1920-59

(Rates per 1,000 population)

Adultery

The Catholic Church condemns adultery. Adultery is the exchange of sexual relations between two people, one or both of whom are married to someone else. It is first of all an offense against the virtue of purity, which dictates that sex be used only within the limits of a legitimate marriage, i.e., between husband and wife. It also involves a sin against justice, whereby husband and wife have given their bodies, each to the other until death. And finally there is a sin against charity. Each is leading the other astray, contributing to the other's delinquency through bad example. ADULTERY IS A TRIPLE SIN. It is not neces­sary, incidentally, that the marriage act be completed before there is a serious sin of infidelity. Any yielding on this point, physically or mentally, is a grave matter as far as God is concerned. "Thou shalt not commit adultery." "Whosoever shall look on a woman to lust after her hath already committed adultery with her in his heart." A divorced person, therefore, may not begin company keeping.

Legal But Immoral

Unfortunately there are some Catholics, who, despite the clear teaching of the Church and the many safeguards and helps which they have in the Catholic Faith, get a divorce and remarry while their first partner lives. They rationalize their consciences by think­ing that if the State approves, God approves. What a mistake! God made marriage a perpetual contract, and GOD ALONE, or one to whom He has given the authority, can dissolve a marriage (see "Dissolution of Marriage Contract," pp. 50-51). God has not given this authority to the State. Hence when the State passes a law permitting divorce and remarriage, that law is null and void in the eyes of God. It is as St. John Chrysostom wrote over a thousand years ago: "Do not cite the civil law made by outsiders, which command that a bill be issued and a divorce granted. For it is not according to these laws that the Lord will judge thee on the Last Day, but according to those which He Himself has given."

Seven Danger Signals in Marriage

Just as a doctor can diagnose symptoms of a possible serious illness, marriage counselors can detect when a marriage is heading for trouble. According to Msgr. George A. Kelly, author of The Catholic Marriage Manual, it is also possible for husbands and wives to detect these signs. There are seven danger signals in marriage for which a couple should be alert:8

1. Inability to Communicate. One of the most conspicuous signals is an inability to communicate with each other. Not being able to talk things over is the beginning of the end of marriage.
   
   
2. Drinking to Excess. This is a contributing factor in two out of every five disturbed marriages that counselors are asked to help. A marked sign of immaturity, progressive steps on the road to alcoholism weaken self-control so important in a happy marriage.
   
   
3. Difficulties in Expressing Affection. When there is a marked decrease in displays of affection, kindness and gentleness, indifference to each other's physical needs may also follow. This could lead to adultery. Courtship throughout marriage is all important for successful living.
   
   
4. Lack of Responsibility. The man should be the breadwinner; the woman the homemaker. Whenever either begins to show weakness or indifference in his or her respective role in marriage, it marks the beginning of not caring at all about making marriage a success. A successful marriage finds husband and wife working together as a team.
   
   
5. Increased Faultfinding. When a man or woman finds more and more things to criticize — perhaps the mate's way of speaking, eating habits, conduct in the company of friends, or way of dress — it is a sign of basic dissatisfaction, a decrease in the harmony needed for the success of marriage.
   
   
6. Inability to Enjoy Each Other's Company. When either partner be­ gins to spend more and more recreational hours away from home and each other, this is a red light — a sign to stop and consider what lies behind the inability to tolerate each other.
   
   
7. Indifference to Religious Duties. When one or both become indiffer­ent to religious duties such as repeated missing of Mass on Sunday or failure to receive the sacraments in accordance with the laws of the Church, there is a lessening of the sense of solidarity which every marriage needs in order to survive.
   

To prevent minor difficulties in marriage from growing in intensity until they threaten the breaking of the marriage bond altogether, couples would do well to heed the advice of marriage counselors about making an annual marital checkup. A few hours on each anniversary given to a conscientious consideration of minor difficulties in marriage will help to prevent a breakup and will promote renewed "togetherness." Annual Cana Conferences and Christian Family Movement activities which are being con­ducted in more and more parishes around the country, afford an excellent opportunity for a couple to take stock of their marriage. Retreats for married couples are also becoming increasingly popu­lar for those who want to enrich their married life.

As stated before, marriage is not a reform school. This is some­thing to be remembered by all married couples and those about to enter into marriage. Nine-tenths of all the trouble in marriage is caused by all the little irritating, annoying, insulting, incessant demands of the partners on each other. Both the husband and the wife have to adjust to each other in many ways. This adjustment has to be made between what was expected or hoped for and what actually is. Divorce is no solution to marriage problems. The solution lies in the couple's willingness to accept responsibilities "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health until death."

Some Misunderstandings

Knowing that the Church never permits divorce, some Catholics are thoroughly confused and puzzled when it appears as if the Church seems to go back on her word. Roger and Susan were married before their pastor in their parish church. Less than a year later Roger obtains an uncontested divorce and marries Elizabeth before her parish priest in another Catholic church. How is this possible?

To clarify this case as well as others, it would be helpful here to review the diriment impediments already mentioned in this book. Wherever these obstacles to a valid marriage exist, there actually is no marriage, no matter how solemnly the ceremony was per­formed, and regardless of whether or not these invalidating rea­sons were known at the time.

Because so much confusion arises in these cases it would be well for us to clarify such terms as "annulment" and "separation."

Annulment

The word "annulment" means that a given marriage is really no marriage at all. "Since marriage is a natural contract, the re­quirements of natural law must be present for the validity of a particular marriage. Also, marriage is a sacrament, and the Church lays down certain requirements for the valid reception of the sacrament. If these requirements are not fulfilled in a particular marriage, the marriage is invalidated. The validity of a marriage calls for a declaration of nullity."

The Church presumes that every marriage that takes place before her properly authorized minister is valid until the contrary is proven. No matter how certain an individual may feel about the invalidity of his marriage, he must present the matter to the proper ecclesiastical authorities for judgment. Each regularly constituted diocese has its own matrimonial court with competent judges, lawyers, and officials and an established procedure for handling all marriage problems pre­sented to it. After the matrimonial court has carefully studied the case, held hearings, and summoned witnesses where necessary, a declaration of nullity either will be granted or refused. If the annulment is granted it means that the marriage was null and void from the beginning.

Thus there is a wide difference between divorce and annulment. Divorce is the dissolution of the marriage bond. Annulment is the declaration that there never was a bond, and, therefore, the two parties are free to contract marriage anew. Divorce puts asunder those whom God joined together, whereas annulment declares that the two never were joined together in marriage by God.9

Separation

The Canon Law of the Church regarding separation from bed and board states this general principle: "The married couple is obliged to live together in conjugal relations unless a just cause frees them from the obligations" (Canon 1128). A just cause would exist if living together would be a grave danger to faith or to life, or if the partner has been guilty of adultery or is living a criminal or scandalous life.

Such a separation, even if intended to be only temporary, should be made only after careful consideration and advice and with the per­mission of the local bishop through the chancery office. If a permanent separation is intended, the chancery's explicit permission must be sought.

In such cases of separation, sometimes called partial divorce, it is understood that both partners remain husband and wife, and it is always the hope of the Church that a reconciliation may be possible after a lapse of time. In no case is either of the partners free to contract a new marriage or even to keep steady company with anyone of the opposite sex while the other partner lives.

Sometimes it is necessary to obtain a civil separation or divorce to enforce the separation legally, to obtain separate maintenance, or to decide custody of children. In such cases the permission of the bishop is required, and every effort must be made to avoid scandal.10

Separation is not the same as desertion. Desertion is the aban­donment of one's home, spouse, or family. The husband or wife simply walks out on a marriage. Despite this abandonment, the innocent party may never validly marry again unless a death certifi­cate of the missing party is presented to Church authorities.

Where There's a Will

The words of the marriage ritual, "for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health," warn us that all human living is not without tribulations. Happiness in marriage is an achievement and depends upon the will of both husband and wife. That is why Christ raised marriage to the dignity of a sacra­ment. Aware of the weakness of human nature, He enabled husband and wife to draw upon an infinite amount of grace to make marriage a success. Thus, no matter how poor one's prepa­ration for marriage, no matter how unwise one's choice of mate, no matter how crushing one's disappointment and disillusionment with marriage, every Christian with the grace of God can make a success of marriage.

SUGGESTIONS FOR READING

About Divorce, Daniel A. Lord, S.J. (St. Louis 18, Mo.: The Queen's Work, 3115 South Grand Blvd., 1946).

*The Catholic Marriage Manual, Rev. George A. Kelly (New York: Random House, Inc., 1958).

Divorced Catholics Tell Their Story, Donald F. Miller, C.SS.R. (Liguori, Mo.: Liguorian Pamphlets, 1957).

Happy Married Life, Lester M. Dooley (Island Creek, Mass.: Mirimac Book Department, 1955).

Marriage and the Family, Edgar Schmiedler, O.S.B. (New York: McGraw-Hill Book Co., Inc., 1946).

Marriage Is Holy, Henry Cafferel (Chicago: Fides Publishers Association, 1957).

Program for Divorced Catholics, Donald F. Miller, C.SS.R. (Liguori, Mo.: Liguorian Pamphlets, 1956).

*Sins of Parents, Charles Hugo Doyle (Tarrytown, N. Y.: The Nugent Press, 1951).

The Truth About Divorce, Morris Ploscowe (New York: Hawthorne Books, Inc., 1955).

Two to Get Ready, Henry V. Sattler (Notre Dame: Fides Publishers, Inc., 1963).

Understanding Marriage, Charles and Audrey Riker (New York: Paulist Press Deus Book, 1963).

Why Marriages Fail, John A. O'Brien (Notre Dame, Ind.: Ave Maria Press, 1958).

*Why Marriages Go Wrong, Bossard & Boll (New York: Ronald Press Co., 1958).

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