Perhaps no one has had the opportunity to observe the charac­teristics of happy lasting marriages as has the Catholic Church. Down through the centuries she has recognized that in a marriage in which husband and wife truly love each other with self-sacrificing love, where both love children, and where children obey, respect, and love their parents in return, lasting marital happiness is maintained.

Successful Home Life

Lasting marital happiness depends upon the success and happi­ness of home life, upon the spirit of unity and love that pervades the family. As previously mentioned, without children, home life is incomplete. When the greatest blessing of marriage is missing, the life of a husband and a wife is also incomplete.

The child is the fruit of the union of its parents. It is the blessing of their marriage: the true end of their striving toward unity, which is the very essence of love. Husband and wife reach their complete­ness in the child. For instance, it brings father and mother closer together, giving them a joint source of love, and they achieve a closer sense of unity in planning for their child's welfare. As husband and wife co-create with Almighty God, their love for each child extends their love for each other, and in each child they can see qualities which they love in each other.

Children help parents to develop the virtues of self-sacrifice and con­sideration for others. The childless husband and wife must consciously cultivate these qualities, for the very nature of their life tends to make them think first of their own interests. In contrast, a father and mother who might have innate tendencies toward selfishness learn that they must subjugate their own interests for the good of their children, and they develop a spirit of self-denial and a higher degree of sanctity than might be normally possible.1

Family morale is the love of the father and mother over­flowing to the children among them and back to the parents. It is the basis of lasting and happy marriages.

Large Families

Since family life is the principal source of human happiness, children contribute greatly to the success of marriage. Over 50 per cent of divorces occur in marriages where there are no children, while an additional 23 per cent occur in marriages with only one child. This in itself speaks well for large families.

A large family provides many distinct advantages over an only-child family. An only child does not occasion as much sacrifice on the part of parents as does a large family which teaches parents to rise above themselves. An only child is ever in danger of being both spoiled and smothered.

The child may be spoiled because the parents, having no other child, cater to all his fancies and whims. The only child is always the center of attention, with no other children to share it. Thus, the innate selfish­ness of the child tends to be nurtured and fostered instead of being directed into unselfish channels. At the same time, an only child tends to be smothered because he lives too exclusively with his parents. They are apt to be very choosy about his playmates, and they may prefer to have the child always in their company. It is unhealthy for a child to live in a circle where only grown-ups predominate. Such a child never fully experiences the carefree abandon of childhood and loses some­thing that he may need later in life.2

The child in even a moderately large family has more advan­tages. Large families teach children to live harmoniously with others.

They must adjust to the wishes of those older and younger than them­selves, and of their own and the other sex. In learning to work, play, and, above all, share with others, the child in a large family discovers that he must often sacrifice his own interests and desires for the common good. For this reason, the "spoiled child" who always insists on having his own way is rare in the large family, if he can be found there at all. For the child who will not co-operate with others has a lesson forcibly taught to him when others refuse to co-operate with him.3

Family Frictions

This is not to say that large families are frictionless. Family life gives the greatest happiness, comfort, and security to its mem­bers only if the bonds of family unity are strongly forged. All members of the family must participate in actual homemaking. There can be no real family life without everyone sharing and co­operating— working together, playing together, praying together.

With differences of personalities, there are bound to be some frictions in family life. In an effort to get at the causes of these difficulties the Youth Research Institute conducted a nationwide poll among teen-agers and parents, pinpointing situations that create family tensions. Like the many causes of divorce, the ma­jority of family-friction situations stem from the lack of maturity and acceptance of responsibility on the part of both children and parents. According to the survey, there were many items both sides wished the other wouldn't do. For every charge children launched at their parents, parents returned complaints of their own.

Things I Wish My Parents Wouldn't Do

1. Ridicule and belittle problems that are important to me.
   
   
2. Order me, like a dictator, to do things instead of diplomatically suggesting.
   
   
3. Give me a wonderful buildup to other grownups.
   
   
4. Keep tabs on me, like private detectives when I've left the house.
   
   
5. Override my own decisions.
   
   
6. Make promises and break them.
   
   
7. Compare me adversely to my brighter friends.
   
   
8. Bring up "the good old days."
   
   
9. Take sides when 1 fight with my brothers and sisters.
   
   
10. Stay away from home so much.
    
    
11. Criticize my friends and what they do.
    
    
12. Refuse to understand my enthusiasms like rock 'n' roll, entertainment personalities, my reading and my social habits.
    
    
13. Get my phone messages all mixed up.
    
    
14. Tell my friends intimate family secrets they shouldn't know.
    
    
15. Fight with each other in front of me.
    

Things I Wish My Children Wouldn't Do

1. Expect us to become their personal servants.
   
   
2. Treat us disrespectfully when ordered to do something.
   
   
3. Consider it their right to do something because "everyone else does it."
   
   
4. Insist on dating and going out whenever they choose.
   
   
5. Tell us how to act when their friends come over.
   
   
6. Keep their problems to themselves because we "wouldn't understand."
   
   
7. Dress and look sloppy . . . and like it!
   
   
8. Be late for meals and appointments.
   

John Ahlhauser

If children are to develop harmoni­ously, they musl live in an atmos­phere of affection and love.

9. Feel the whole world is against them.

10. Disregard our rights.

11. Fight with their brothers and sisters.

12. Eat in the living room while watching television.

13. Keep telling us how swell their friends' parents are.

14. Monopolize the phone.

15. Criticize our appearance.4

What Parents Owe Their Children

If children are to develop harmoniously, they must live in an atmosphere of affection and love. Therefore, the very first duty of parents toward their children is to provide love in the home. This is easier to say than to do at times, but do it parents must or true family life dies. A child denied love is more underprivileged than one denied food or clothing. This is because all human beings need love. Kind and encouraging words, affectionate smiles, recog­nition and acceptance by others are important not only to adults but to the growing child who is feeling his way through life. A child needs assurance when he is doing the right thing, or if and when he makes a mistake, he needs understanding parents who will kindly direct him to do what is correct. Psychiatrists constantly point up the fact that many personality disorders which appear in adulthood originate in infancy and childhood because of a lack of love and understanding by one's parents.

According to Msgr. George A. Kelly, director of the Family Life Bureau of the Archdiocese of New York City, children who are not truly loved usually have parents who are over restrictive, overprotective, or perfectionists.

Over restrictive parents handle their child like an army recruit. They set down orders which he must follow blindly. They permit no devia­tion. The child who does not respond to their orders instantly is severely punished. Such parents lack human compassion and often produce chil­dren who are either cowed and fearful all their lives, or who rebel against and reject all authority.

Overprotective parents deny their child his normal right to develop his own powers. Although the child is normally healthy, he cannot run on the street because his mother fears that he may fall. He cannot walk to school by himself; his mother must either drive him or walk with him to make sure that no harm befalls him. He sets his eyes on an expensive toy beyond his parents' means; rather than see the little one disappointed, the father digs into his pocket. Parents who save their children from normal knocks and disappointments prevent them from acquiring the self-confidence they need to become independent men and women.

Perfectionist parents are never satisfied with their child. They often maintain a spotless home where the child would not dare leave a toy in the living room. They sharply criticize him when he returns from play with dirty hands. If he stands third in his class, they want to know why he is not first, and they will not rest until he achieves the top position. True, children need, and respond to, inspiration. But perfectionist parents make no allowances for human frailty and short­comings. They demand more than the child can humanly be expected to give.3

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Besides love, understanding, and affection, children need direc­tion— plenty of direction. While this childhood need may many times be verbally taught by parents, the best direction a child receives comes indirectly from the example parents knowingly or unknowingly set for him. This means that

if parents are sincerely religious, if they are patriotic, if they esteem honesty and despise dishonesty and loose living, the child will adopt these attitudes even though parents make no conscious effort to in­culcate them. If the parents have social or racial prejudices and look upon others with envy or contempt, the child will pick up their point of view in the same spontaneous and unconscious way. As the child grows older, it is true that outside influences may compete with those of parents and, at times, may even offset their influence; but, for the most part, it is the parents who maintain the chief influence, espe­cially in homes where love and happiness abound. When the child begins to grow independent of the family circle, he is already im­pregnated with a spirit imbibed from parents which will remain with him until old age.6

Training and Discipline

One very important job of parents is the training and discipline of a child. This requires the constant vigilance of both father and mother, if the child is to develop into a responsible person. There is so much to be taught. A child must be trained in habits of clean­liness, orderliness, and promptness. He must be taught to be obedient and to be considerate of others. He must be taught good manners and scores of other traits and habits so essential in helping him become a mature adult.

This sort of training for responsibility requires both understand­ing and firm parents. Understanding parents do not expect a child to perform according to rules and regulations at all times. A child will sometimes fail in his responsibility just because he is a child; but continuous disregard for responsibility is quite different. In this case, parents must make use of firm discipline. Discipline goes hand in hand with training. Good parents always associate these two together in the minds of the young.

In dispensing discipline parents would do well to heed the ad­vice of experts in child guidance. In brief, discipline of children must be firm, consistent, with clear directives, and not changeable. It must be reasonable, that is to say, capable of being carried out by the child. Parents should insist that their orders be carried out promptly and completely. They should not use too many don't's." They should motivate the child by both natural and supernatural reasoning. As the child matures, parents should explain the "why" of discipline.

Should some form of punishment be necessary to enforce cor­rect behavior, it should be given promptly, not delayed. While the most effective type of punishment is to deprive the child of some­thing that he likes very much, in early stages of child development, spanking may be necessary. A young child feels before he learns to reason. In all training, parents should be fair in instilling the virtue of justice. They should never play favorites.

Children and Responsibility

Responsibility should start as soon as the child can understand what is expected of him. At least this is the advice of a noted psychiatrist, Robert P. Odenwald, M.D., who gives the following advice on children accepting responsibility.

1. At an early age children should be given responsibility for doing things for themselves. For example, running an electric train, fixing broken toys, helping in the kitchen in a small way or helping in the house.
   
   
2. When parents give the child some duty or responsibility the child must understand what is expected of him; it is perhaps too much for a six- or eight-year-old child to take care of a baby.
   
   
3. Parents must give an example of responsibility and must be careful in their action. A drunken father or a consistently bridge-playing mother are not good examples of responsibility.
   
   
4. Never expect too much of your child. In learning responsibility
   he may fail and repeat his failure until he learns. Too much responsi­bility at too early an age ruins the mental and emotional balance.
   
   
5. Have the child and the adolescent be responsible in participating in the affairs of the family unit and discuss, according to his understanding, family problems.7
   

Education of Children

The proper education of the child begins at home, not at school. The school merely supplements the home, never supplants it. "Formal education in the classroom, no matter how extensive it may be, can never actualize the full potential inherent in the child. Education can never be considered sufficient or complete unless it includes emotional, physical, moral, and religious ele­ments as well as intellectual. These elements of a thorough edu­cation are not all to be had in the classroom — unless, of course, one is naive enough to consider the world a classroom environ­ment."* True education is a self-activated process and it begins in the home. Parents must bear in mind that the home is the school of life, the mother's lap the first kindergarten.

Good education requires that a child should come under both the masculine influence of the father and the feminine influence of the mother. It should, of course, be evident that there must be no con­flict of means or aims in these separate influences. The harmonious development of the child requires the love and influence of both father and mother, working together as a team. That is one reason why it is considered a misfortune for children to be left as orphans or to have bad or incompetent parents. Persons other than the parents may do excellent work for the education of young children, but they never can replace the loving care of a devoted father and mother.9

The Home Is the Child's FirstChurch

Teaching the child his religious beliefs and prayers is the parent's job. So often this is relegated to the priests and Sisters in Catholic schools. It is not unusual to find children from supposedly good homes entering Catholic schools knowing much about the world, but so little about God. This is a sin of omission on the part of parents. Good parents realize that example speaks louder than words. No matter how excellent the school may be it can never replace the parents. Religion which is learned at home from pru­dent, intelligent parents sinks in deepest, wears best, and lasts longest.

Maytag Corporation

Happy children like the Lennon children, are a testimony to the spirit of unity and love thatpervades the family.

Sex Education

One of the parent's greatest obligations so sadly neglected is educating children to the true meaning of sex. Ignorance of the facts of life is not innocence. It is frequently the remote cause of many problems later in adult life. Realizing this, good parents be­gin at infancy to instill in their children the virtue of chastity. They realize that if a child is old enough to ask a question about sex, he is old enough to get a suitable answer. Should the child fail to ask questions, good parents anticipate his needs and impart all the essentials of the subject before puberty. This is usually done by repeated private conversations naturally and spontaneously given as the child grows and develops. As soon as the first baby-talk references can be outgrown, good parents use refined, technical language. Where they find themselves tongue-tied, books, pamphlets, or phonograph records from Catholic sources are used as starters, then discussed.

This gradual unfolding of sex, with all its natural and spiritual implications, helps the child amid occasions of sin in later years. Legitimate curiosity, satisfied in the home, diminishes the influence of undercover distorted sources of information.

Today's Challenge for Parents

The challenge which faces today's parents is the same challenge that has faced all parents. They must guide, teach, and support their growing children in the difficult process which goes on within them as they strive to reach maturity. "This process always rep­resents internal stress and struggle," writes Father John L. Thomas, S.J., associate professor of sociology and author of The Family Clinic. "The child must learn the norms, moral rules, and modes of conduct expected by his parents and society. As his powers and faculties develop, he must acquire the habit of controlling and directing their impulses and drives according to approved stand­ards. In this process, his parents are present not only to teach and encourage, more important, they are his models."10

What Children Owe Their Parents

So much has been written on this subject of late that we will only briefly summarize the obligations expected of children toward their parents. The basic rule children must follow is this: while they are living under the roof of their parents or are still subject to them, children owe their parents love, respect, obedience, and co­operation in respect to bettering family life. This obligation stems from the natural law as well as the divine law which reads: "Honor thy father and thy mother."

In matters that concern a choice of lifework or the selection of a life mate, the advice and counsel of parents should be sought and care­fully pondered. However, the decision in these crucial matters is a personal one which must rest, in the final analysis, with the son or daughter.

H. Armstrong Roberts

H. Armstrong Roberts

Assistance with household chores given cheerfully and on one's own initiative is a sign of gratitude and maturity.

Even when children have left the parental home and have "come of age" they always must have affection and gratitude for their parents and be willing to render to them whatever assistance they may need in their declining years. Sometimes parents can be over-demanding in their expectation of attention from grown-up sons or daughters who have obligations of their own. This may occasionally pose a delicate problem when a son or daughter has to try to strike a just balance between affection and feeling of duty towards an aging parent and the clear obligation to spouse and children and the happiness of their home life.

It is a rule of life that children are not bound to live for their parents and to consecrate their lives to them in the same way that parents are bound to live for their children and consecrate their lives to them as long as the children have need of them. This is one of the renunciations, perhaps the final renunciation, of parental love.11

Who's Boss?

While marriage is oftentimes spoken of as a partnership of democratic equality, this does not mean to say that there are not certain definite roles husband and wife must play to make marriage a success. The man is the head, the woman the heart of marriage. St. Paul was only passing on traditional teaching when he said, "Man is the head of the woman as Christ is the head of the Church" (Eph. 23:5).

All of man's natural aggressive ness, his masculine brawn, his logical mind, make being head easy for him. What is more, nothing gives a man greater satisfaction and sense of fulfillment than a realized sense of importance. Men want recognition. They thrive on it. And their natural instinct in marriage is to be head. If they abdicate the masculine role in the family, they feel guilty; if they are denied it, they are resentful.12

Recognizing the husband as the natural head of the family does not imply or mean that he be a despot. Husband and wife are in­separable helpmates. Their relation is not one of superiority and inferiority but one of equality. But just as some division of labor within the home is necessary, so some order is called for. The role of the husband as head of the home is to promote greater harmony and greater love. A divided house cannot stand.

Regarding the wife's position in the home it cannot be too often repeated that the work of the mother in the home is a full-time occupation.

It is her chief honor and dignity, and only extraordinary circumstances permit her to delegate this responsibility. The formation of the per­sonalities of her children and the making of the home into a vital cell of society is a precious vocation. To delegate this task to hired help in order to make extra cash for luxury items is an unworthy mo­tive. Even more tragic is the current attitude that homemaking is boring work; this tempts the mother to seek outside employment to escape from her home duties.13

Unfortunately in some instances the wife must work. Such a situation is rather a criticism of our present society which requires both spouses employed in order to make ends meet. In his en­cyclical, On Christian Marriage, Pope Pius XI spoke strongly against this abuse and offered some recommendations.

. . . such economic and social methods should be adopted as will enable every head of a family to earn as much as, according to his station in life, is necessary for himself, his wife, and for the rearing of his children, for "the laborer is worthy of his hire." To deny this, or to make light of what is equitable, is a grave injustice and is placed among the greatest sins by Holy Writ; nor is it lawful to fix such a scanty wage as will be insufficient for the upkeep of the family in the circumstances in which it is placed.11

The Family Allowance Plan

Because the major portion of the children of the United States are raised by a small number of families and because these families are below the wage level needed to support children in an adequate manner, the Family Allowance Plan is being considered by legis­lators. In essence the Family Allowance Plan is a system whereby those families which have children (usually two or more) are helped in support of their children by means of financial aid from some outside agency, be it private industry, state or federal govern­ment. At present, 39 countries have such plans. Each differs some­what from the other.

There are, for instance, differences in the age levels of children under the various plans. Canada considers only those families which have children under 16 eligible to family allowance benefits, while Germany sets 21 as the age limit. There are also diverse sums or monthly allowances allotted to families according to the needs of the families and the amount of revenue available. To cite an example, a plan proposed for the United States by Father Francis J. Corley, S.J., calls for monthly payments of $12 for the third child, $10 for the fourth child and $8 for each succeeding child. In contrast to this, British Guiana pays $5 for each child while the Canadian plan pays from $5 to $8 for each child depending on circumstances. There is no one source for the payments to the families. The plan proposed by Father Corley would be financed by the federal government, while the plan used in British Guiana is financed by Catholic industrialists.15

Whether the United States will adopt the Family Allowance Plan remains to be seen. But this much is certain, if it is adopted it will help parents carry the financial responsibilities of training and edu­cating their children according to the American standard of liv­ing. It might also serve to avoid the common stigma of relief which is becoming common to many families today.

The Later Years

Only a generation ago, parents could truly feel that their life-work was over by the time their children were married and on their own. But with earlier marriages, smaller families, and greater longevity, men and women today are usually still in the prime of life when their active parenthood roles are over. By the time their last child is married, the average husband and wife now have about twenty additional years to look forward to. This is wholly a new development in family life and represents a great challenge as well as a unique opportunity. It means that numerous middle-aged couples must strive to forge a new life for themselves. With more years together, husband and wife face new dimensions for com­panionship and for rich enjoyment providing there is some in­telligent planning for it."

A husband must never take his wife for granted or vice versa. All through the years both need to reassure one another of their continual love for each other by marks of affection and by the many little tokens of constant thoughtfulness they shared through courtship. These include remembrance of anniversaries, recalling happy memories as well as hopes and disappointments. It neces­sitates a continued consciousness of working together in a noble enterprise with Almighty God. That is why praying together is important in all stages of married life. It takes not only three to get married, it takes three to stay married!

SUGGESTIONS FOR READING

*Accent on Purity, Joseph E. Haley, CCS. (Notre Dame, Intl.: Fides Publishers, 1948).

The Art of Happy Marriage, James A. Magner (Milwaukee: The Bruce Publishing Co., 1947).

*Beginning Your Marriage, Cana Conference of Chicago (Oak Park, 111.: Delaney Publications, 1957).

*The Catholic Family Handbook, Rev. George A. Kelly (New York: Random House, Inc., 1959).

Christian Marriage, encyclical letter of Pope Pius XI (Washington 5, D. C: National Catholic Welfare Council, 1312 Massachusetts Avenue, N.W.), 48 pp.

*Examination of Conscience for Married Couples, Edwin C. Haungs, S.J. (St. Louis: The Queen's Work, 1945).

Marriage, A Medical and Sacramental Study, Alan Keenan, O.F.M., and John Ryan, M.D. (New York: Sheed and Ward, 1955).

Marriage and the Family, John J. Kane (New York: The Dryden Press, Inc., 1952).

Parents, Children, and the Facts of Life, Henry V. Sattler, C.SS.R. (New York: Garden City Press, Image Books edition, 1956).

*Purity, Modesty, Marriage, Joseph Buckley, S.M. (Notre Dame, Ind.: Fides Publishers Association, 1960).

*Sanctity and Success in Marriage (Washington, D. C: National Catholic Welfare Council, Family Life Bureau, 1956).

Sex-Character Education, John A. O'Brien (New York: The Macmillan Co., 1953).

Stretching the Family Income, Robert and Helen Cissel (New York: Joseph F. Wagner, Inc., 1953).

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